On my last post, I talked over that I was working on reconditioning my mind so that I would stop eating late at night when I’m not hungry. Any type of conditioning, whether it’s my body, my thoughts, or my attitudes is hard work, and it takes diligence to break out of old habits.
I know, everyone’s probably like, “Duh!”. However, I have this bag of bad habits (albeit small) that I wanted to finally leave in the past, but, somehow, have now schlepped into the new week. I’m into recycling and all, but I’m almost positive that my mental dysfunction and habits are not biodegradable.
Yesterday, I followed my food plan to the letter, until my boyfriend told me that he was making me dinner. What? Dinner? NO!!!! I just wanted to eat my food. What he was making was healthy and balanced, but I just didn’t want to eat it. But I also know that it’s good for me to have a certain degree of flexibility, especially when someone is taking the time to make me dinner.
So I ate it, and felt guilty and fat the entire time. That’s how my disorder manifests. After, I felt anxious, which, of course, made me want to eat something else. But I didn’t. Hallelujah! It was the mental diligence of being honest with myself about what I needed and how I felt that kept me from eating. And it was difficult, because even now, as I love myself much more than I ever have, my natural instinct is too sabotage myself.
So, I guess yesterday was officially Day 1 of reconditioning my mind–for this issue. Progress not perfection, I guess.
This morning I still “feel fat” for eating off of the food plan I had planned for myself. But I know that “fat”isn’t a feeling, and even if it was, feelings aren’t facts, blah, blah, blah…
Good for you for reconditioning! You are strong for eating the dinner
Don’t let the feelings get you down, each little step is progress. I feel the same way with eating late at night! I don’t know how to stop it either…long hugs <3
Oh, I’d love to hug you back… Thank you for your nice comment.
It’s so silly because it was just a shrimp salad. Still NOT PLANNED.
I think that fat is a feeling. 100%. – my objectivist handbook.
BUT, conditioning yourself not to feel negatively – sad, depressed, fat, etcetera – is all about trial and error. last night you had your trial, and you totally succeeded! Hallelujah, indeed!
Oh, Nicole, why we don’t hear when people call us beautiful? Damn I’m so tired of feeling fat and ugly, and guilty because I eat.
i think it’s awesome that you challenged yourself despite all you were feeling. You didn’t take the easy way out – and every time you challenge a fear, it will become less of a fear. i totally get you about needing ‘your’ food and things at your time, your way etc. So much of the Ed is about comfort zone, even when it’s anything BUT comfortable in reality.
You have already conditioned yourself to feel fat, to feel guilty, to feel sad, to feel depressed – and done a pretty damn good job of it! SO it stands to reason that you can most certainly recondition yourself to NOT feel those things. I believe in you 150% xxx
Thank, You! I’ve just read your new amazing post. It made my day! You’re just awsome, you know. And very very smart.
xo.
You are too kind
and I would say the same for you. WE are all learning through what we live xxx
Yay for reconditioning!
Definitely YAY!