Hi, I’m Greta and I am bulimic. Yes I still am, despite that I did not binge or purge forever I guess (I just don’t remember when the last time I did). But I still have the tendencies of the ED. Especially the desire to control everything. If you assumed that bulimia = binging/purging. I assure you – No.
Since I pushed myself into recovery; I did push. I pushed hard. And it was ugly, difficult, painful and unbearable. First thing I manage of my ED tendencies was purging. Man I despised it so much. Because it is indeed hideous. I’d rather restricted than doing it. Sometimes I was willing to die, but not to do it anymore. Only a bulimic can understand how much grossness purging causes to one’s life. It creates a complete chaos in your head and your environment. I being a pedant in life became a complete disgust during those periods. Hated it! Hated it! Hated it!
So I stopped.
And I thought it was the first step to recovery. And I was wrong. That’s why I had a relapse a half year later (not that I’m not proud of doing quite well during this period)
Purging is a behavior the stems of which are in our head. That’s what needs to be fixed first. The head! Duh…
And damn the process is so slow. Sometimes I fell one step forward two steps back. Why is it that every time I work on one part of recovering from the ED, another piece of it tries to seduce me? Of course, the obvious answer is that it’s a mental illness. Technicalities aside, why does it have to happen that way? I mean, I work on not bingeing and purging, and all of a sudden I want to restrict. I work on not restricting, and then I want to overexercise. As soon as I make the decision to eat on my food plan, as planned, I get the urge to overeat… just a little… or restrict, just a little. And then the mental cycle starts again, which allows me to never fully be at peace. Throw any level of stress in the mix, and the entire thought train is magnified.
This is why I developed two buckets into which I classify my state of living: ‘Eating disordered living’ and ‘healthy living.’ The former is defined by bingeing, purging (including overexercise), and restricting. The latter is defined by a constant progression toward a better state of health via implementation of a very strict plan of management based on my food philosophy. The more that one identifies with the bulimic mentality when really in a state of healthy living, they will just drive themselves crazy. It’s hard not to identify with the bulimic state of being after having done so for so long. Therefore, a strict line needs to be drawn. That’s what I think.
I guess I just really have to get it over with. Be happy with the progress and enjoy life. Is that really it, Nicole? I admire your strength and pride of what you have achieved during your “recovery” years. It’s wonderful that you stand by your point and are happy with your choices.
However when I read about someone else’s recoveries, they seem to sound so different from me and you – I wonder, am I still that sick? Do you ever feel that?
No. I do not ever feel ‘sick.’
There are definitely different schools of thought; and they can make a girl question her stance. The questioning that I experienced early on with blogging allowed me to develop my own personal philosophy that ‘recovery’ is subjective.
Never do I consider socialist brain washing as ‘recovery.’ I just consider it as another form of managing the disease. (by socialist brain washing, I mean the conventional forms of treatment).
We will always have the disease, and once we let go of the prospect of it disappearing one day, only then can we manage it. You’re 35. I’m 30. I think if there was a full blown out solution, we would have figured it out by now.
I get this, so much. It’s because the ED isn’t what is actually wrong, it’s a symptom of what is wrong, and until you deal with what is really wrong – that in your head and your heart – you will keep finding new ways to ‘cope’ be that switching symptoms/behaviours or finding a new addiction (drugs, drink etc)
It takes so much courage and hard work to give up purgeing for any length of time and you DID it. Relapse isn’t a failure, it’s a step back – as long as you get up again. And you can. Every fall does make you stronger, cliche as that is, it’s true.
I know you can do it.
And yes, everyone’s recovery is different because we ARE all different. xxxx
Beautiful Fiona, there are days I feel completely normal, especially when I’m busy. Living and enjoying every second of it. But then I look at the mirror, or start doubting my food choices and the anxiety overwhelms the progress I’ve made. It’s just sad.
You are human. And it’s telling how much you have fought to keep on going despite these times of doubt.
Five years ago would you say the percentage of you and ed was different? For example 5 years ago I was 99% ED and 1% Fiona. Now I’m at least 51% Fiona and that outweighs the ed most of the time. You have shifted too and that will continue. These moments of doubt will become less over time..
*hugs* Keep going. <3
Fiona, thank you. I guess I just have stuck with my progress, so I question anything and everything.
Have a wonderful Sunday (or what is left of it), sweetie.
Breathe and calm that anxious monkey mind inside your head. You have made so much progress to be proud of Greta, and you are an inspiration in each step you make both forward and backwards. We all will slip. We all do slip and it is okay because like Fiona said, we are all human. Huge hugs and tons of love sending your way! <3
Love your hugs sweetie
Thank You!
I think the fact that you can SEE this is what indicates that you are on the road to recovery. I am pretty chubby now
(I say it as a fact, not as a criticism of myself) and have not been anorexic for about 6 years, and yet I do still get the urge to restrict; I still want to use restriction as a means to cope with or distract myself from the more pressing issues in my life. This is not something I’m proud of or even something I tend to acknowledge, but I do so here to reassure you – I think these tendencies are quite a bit harder to shake than people realize.
Reading your blog; because I DO; and seeing the things you have to go through – I find you kind of super heroic. Despite all the issues you have to deal with you remain faithful to yourself and never pretend being better than you are. You’re awesome and beautiful. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re doing wonderfully.
xo.