In the beginning of my recovery, recovery clichés used to bounce around in my head to help me stay free from bingeing and purging… Keep it simple, Act yourself into right thinking, Progress not perfection, etc. Throughout this process, I’ve had months when I have stick to my Primal diet and months when I don’t. Nonetheless, the program sticks with me.
I always say that eating disorder recovery is a process of harm reduction. Rarely does one stop entirely. And even then, the mental obsession is still busy trying to suck you back into the insanity. So, my current struggle is that I eat exactly how I want all day, but after dinner and my snack I still want more. It isn’t that I’m hungry. I just always want more.
So, this vocation while eating at the restaurants all the time, something I learned in early recovery has been popping into my head… I might want more food, but that doesn’t mean I have to act on it. It is just a thought. I’m going to have ED thoughts as a recovering food addict. To expect anything less is to discount the power of this beast.
Anyway, it’s comforting to remember that I don’t have to act on my thoughts today. I have the ability to CHOOSE.
This post has made me smile oh so much.
You are gorgeous, inside and outside.
My goodness, what a beautiful physique!
Oh how Vogue should feature you – your pictures and your writing.
Love you lots!
Merci beaucoup, sweetie. You comment is so pleasing, however I wish I would be happy with my physique as well as with my intelligence and character. It’s never good enough. And never perfect…
I know. I know so very well. I viewed your beautiful photographs thinking just that: “I bet she doesn’t like how she looks.” Oh, I promise you, Greta, you are so thin and beautiful. (coming from me, a thin snob). I feel everything that you’ve written. I relate so much to you.
PS: I love your graphic tshirt!!! It’s so pretty!!!
I’m sorry you still struggle with these urges and you are right – to expect anything less would be to discount the nature of this beast. A sleeping beast is still a dangerous beast! I can’t eat without needing more, either, even when I’m full up to the gills – I think it’s emotional. It certainly can’t be physical when you are full.
What I like most is your positive attitude and that you have said, it’s a choice. You are right. We don’t choose to have an ED, we CAN choose to fight it. And how to fight it.
hope you are well, dear friend, lots of love xxx
Doing my best, Fiona. THANK YOU, for your support.
xo.
Greta, you are absolutely gorgeous. GORGEOUS. Your eyelashes are like a mile long!!!!!
It really sounds like you’re doing WONDERFULLY. The desire for more, more, more, to fill the void in my gut that is rendered by anxiety and worry and sometimes loneliness is something that I still struggle with to this day. But you’re right – that desire for more is just a thought. Those worries and fears are just thoughts. Seeing them for what they really are takes away their power.
Thank you, Sable. Love your response. I’m really catching up with life and the ED moments become more rear than ever.
Speaking about the eyelashes. Man, sometimes I want to cut them short. I mean after the shower I have to use a hairdryer to put my make up on. But on the whole – I’m kind of proud of them (blush)
xo.
Yes yes yes! That’s totally it! It’s about accepting the thoughts but not to act on them. Nowadays, I sometimes think of my residual ED as obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I know this doesn’t match with the DSM or ICD classicifation, but it makes sense to me because the ED doesn’t serve any function in my life anymore, it’s just an obsessive style of thinking, and a conditioning that goes very deep. But the more I manage *not* to act on it, the easier it becomes to make myself free of it.
I’m so happy I’m not alone at this! It helps to step away and look at things from the side: the world won’t end because I’d refuse a snack.
Yes, I totally agree. And still it’s a choice I have to make every single day. But I believe it’ll get easier with the time.
I have absolutely loved reading this thread between you, Greta and Kath. Lovely! Fashionable! And real. Thank you for inspiring my little soul on this gorgeous Saturday.