I’m struggling a bit, but as my friend Nicole says “no matter how much one might be hurt, stressed, or angry – things will never be bad.  They will never be bulimic, ever, ever again.  Therefore, because of that, life is always good”However, in this beautiful non bulimic life there are things I stress about. One of them is Monday. Mondays are my weight ins

And today I feel large.

Even though i managed to kick the B/P habit, I am still nervous of what would happen to my weight…

I’d started my recovery being underweight. Consequently, I expected and even WANTED to gain some kilos. I clearly recall my first weight in after a whole B/P free week:

I had terrible visions of myself gaining 2 or 3 kg’s in my first week of recovery.

But I was committed to it so much – I stayed away from the scales for 1 week…

When I came to weight myself – I felt faint. I was SHOCKED!

 I had gained 4 kg’s (10 pounds) in 1 week!

I thank God that I didn’t throw in the towel that day… But I was so close.

I still am – every time the Monday comes. Every Monday I’m a bit heavier and every Monday I play the same talk with myself:

You are eating too much.

You eat too much fat.

You don’t exercise enough.

You should start doing some cardio…

You should count calories.

Stop drinking wine.

Then I have to stop myself, and remind that my body is healing. That the body I had hated for so long has to find it’s natural weight where it functions best. It’s the weight where my skin will glow and my hair will shine. It’s the weight where I’ll be most fertile and have the greatest longevity…

But when it’s enough? When does the peace come?

Maybe after hiding the scale?

Why do I weight? Why does the number still defines me?

It’s just the number. It’s not me.

I really hope to forget to weight next Monday.

How often do you weight yourself?