This week is full of chaos.
Being the perfectionist that I am, I still get caught up in the belief that my recovery has to be PERFECT. I think that since I am doing well now and since I am healthier and living a more balanced life, there is no room for error. I think that everyone will be disappointed in me if I have a momentary slip-up, get sad, angry or overwhelmed. That after having the third in a row chaotic day I will scream and cry of despair in wanting to binge and then throw up. So, if I do get stuck in the moment when I’m trying to decide whether to binge, I usually just want to hide – even more now than when I was totally in my eating disorder.
But the reality is that everyone has bad days. Everyone gets overwhelmed and tired and scared. The craving does not mean that I am 100% living my life with my eating disorder again.
At the same time, there is a really fine line. Is it okay to excuse one behavior; like throwing up just this once, because I just choose not to deal with the bad stuff in life? For me, it isn’t. I do not want to deal with these same situations for the rest of my life. Even when I feel as if I can’t deal with life.
I am not perfect, and my journey is not without a few wrong turns.
It’s only 5pm in the afternoon, but I’m opening my wine and having a long wine evening. In peace.
How do you deal with difficult days?