At the end of October me and my boy are planning to hit the Africa – Egypt and Morocco, I believe. The sun the sea and sandy beaches are the things that we, cold climate country people are looking for in the middle of autumn.
And I’M NOT EXCITED AT ALL.
I fear bikini.
I am repulsed by undressing in front of people.
Even my BF. Ok, not so much in front of him, but still… HATE IT.
I despise to be looked at, examined, judged…
And it doesn’t matter what weight I am.
And again – it matters, because the scale says – EAT! You’re not gaining! You look sick!
Earlier this year while visiting Austria and being 7 months in recovery, eating healthy and enjoying life, I was called anorexic. Damn, it was hurtful. I had never been true anorexic. Well maybe for a couple of months.  And I had never attempted to be one. I truly frowned on looking at the images of the ones who suffer from this awful disease. It is unbearable. Yet I looked like one…
Today I weight the same.
Do you think I would look good in a bikini?..
So that’s only one of things that affect my not so good mood in my not so good week while I’m trying to figure out how to escape out of it.
Today I did Zumba instead of weight lifting.
Had a wonderful salmon salad for lunch.
And after a couple of rice cakes with tuna on top
I’m thinking of what to have for dinner…
nevertheless still fearing the bikini and the coming vocation in the south…
How do you feel in your bikini?