I must confess that since the bulimia had started I could never escape the screaming voices in my head. Almost always after eating something that felt remotely bad my mind used to erupt into a deafening tirade of insults, anxiety, and sheer panic that I was killing myself or, worse, that I was gaining what would surely be about 100 pounds that I would be doomed to carry around on my body forever. My mind screamed the only way to avoid either fate is to get rid of the offending material right now! Only purging would quiet the voices. Even now, in recovery I still experience it from time to time. For example yesterday I went out for lunch with a friend. I was late so I asked my friend to order a salad (of her choice) for me! When I arrived at the café, I saw a mozzarella salad on our table.
For me! Come on! I can’t have dairy!!! I mean I do not eat it for quite a while and I feel great without it. What the hell she was thinking while ordering that mozzarella? She knows I do not eat dairy. Does she want me to get fat?
Silly, of course, but this is just an example. This happens to me quite often. I may be managing my behavior well (no binging/purging) but my mind still on the bulimic side.
Only recently I started learning how to quiet those voices and then the panic goes away as well.
When I start thinking with pessimism or doubt, I can feel completely sure that it is my overprotective, worried head that is talking to me. I guess the primary unconscious function of it is simply to protect me. But, it’s not the part of me I should always listen to. Negativity will always silence my heart and spirit, which are the parts of me that lead me to full life with joy and purpose. So my mission is to keep my mind positive as much as I can.
Hell, I ate the salad and had the greatest time with my friend.
Other things I enjoyed on Saturday were:
My “children” Ha-ha.
Some snaking on the turkey, almonds, dried prunes and wine.
And the Vogue.
I got my first Christmas card from Chanel.
Do you struggle with the screaming voices in your head?
How do you deal with them?