Today, I returned from a day trip to Stockholm (concerning my future job) After flying on the worst flight of my life, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever make it home. The flight was so turbulent that people all around me were puking in barf bags. It was kind of ironic… a bulimic (in recovery) on a plane where everyone else is puking. If that would’ve happened years ago, I probably would have acted sick, utilizing those bags myself.
Now back home, I’ve decided to conquer another level of the ED–mental reconditioning. I’ve blogged before about how I feel guilty for not sticking to my food plan, even though I know I don’t have to stick to it perfectly.
Recovery is, after all, about balance.
But I’m just sick of feeling guilty about it.
So, I have two choices:
1.) Stop feeling guilty;
2.) Stick to my food plan.
Because I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty and can’t seem to internalize imperfect abstinence, then my only option is to stick to my food plan.
Usually, I stick to my food plan all day, and then at night I’ll eat something unplanned. It isn’t because I’m hungry. I get anxiety about eating what I planned. Why? I don’t think there is any deeply-rooted reason. I think it’s just because I’m not practiced in eating only what’s on my food plan. My mind is conditioned to eat off of my food plan. I need to condition it to do the opposite.
So, for today, I’m going to try it.
I’ll let you know tomorrow how Day 1 went!
One of the meals: chicken rice and pistachios.
Do you stick with your food plan?