On my last post, I talked over that I was working on reconditioning my mind so that I would stop eating late at night when I’m not hungry. Any type of conditioning, whether it’s my body, my thoughts, or my attitudes is hard work, and it takes diligence to break out of old habits.
I know, everyone’s probably like, “Duh!”. However, I have this bag of bad habits (albeit small) that I wanted to finally leave in the past, but, somehow, have now schlepped into the new week. I’m into recycling and all, but I’m almost positive that my mental dysfunction and habits are not biodegradable.
Yesterday, I followed my food plan to the letter, until my boyfriend told me that he was making me dinner. What? Dinner? NO!!!! I just wanted to eat my food. What he was making was healthy and balanced, but I just didn’t want to eat it. But I also know that it’s good for me to have a certain degree of flexibility, especially when someone is taking the time to make me dinner.
So I ate it, and felt guilty and fat the entire time. That’s how my disorder manifests. After, I felt anxious, which, of course, made me want to eat something else. But I didn’t. Hallelujah! It was the mental diligence of being honest with myself about what I needed and how I felt that kept me from eating. And it was difficult, because even now, as I love myself much more than I ever have, my natural instinct is too sabotage myself.
This morning I still “feel fat” for eating off of the food plan I had planned for myself. But I know that “fat”isn’t a feeling, and even if it was, feelings aren’t facts, blah, blah, blah…