Hi, I’m Greta and I am bulimic. Yes I still am, despite that I did not binge or purge forever I guess (I just don’t remember when the last time I did). But I still have the tendencies of the ED. Especially the desire to control everything. If you assumed that bulimia = binging/purging. I assure you – No.

Since I pushed myself into recovery; I did push. I pushed hard. And it was ugly, difficult, painful and unbearable. First thing I manage of my ED tendencies was purging. Man I despised it so much. Because it is indeed hideous. I’d rather restricted than doing it. Sometimes I was willing to die, but not to do it anymore. Only a bulimic can understand how much grossness purging causes to one’s life. It creates a complete chaos in your head and your environment. I being a pedant in life became a complete disgust during those periods. Hated it! Hated it! Hated it!

So I stopped.

And I thought it was the first step to recovery. And I was wrong. That’s why I had a relapse a half year later (not that I’m not proud of doing quite well during this period)

Purging is a behavior the stems of which are in our head. That’s what needs to be fixed first.  The head! Duh…

And damn the process is so slow. Sometimes I fell one step forward two steps back. Why is it that every time I work on one part of recovering from the ED, another piece of it tries to seduce me? Of course, the obvious answer is that it’s a mental illness. Technicalities aside, why does it have to happen that way? I mean, I work on not bingeing and purging, and all of a sudden I want to restrict. I work on not restricting, and then I want to overexercise. As soon as I make the decision to eat on my food plan, as planned, I get the urge to overeat… just a little… or restrict, just a little. And then the mental cycle starts again, which allows me to never fully be at peace. Throw any level of stress in the mix, and the entire thought train is magnified.