Throughout my recovery, I have been waiting for the day when the insane body image buster voice in my head can be squashed indefinitely.
Enter cognitive distortion number one. Body image does not magically disappear just because I have solid recovery time!!
My BF has been very supportive to rebuilding my self-esteem. So the other day, you can imagine how proud I was to announce to him, “I can’t believe it. Every time I’ve looked in the mirror this week, I actually accepted what I saw, imperfections and all!” I couldn’t believe it. I had arrived. I could now accept my body.
Enter cognitive distortion number two. For me, body image acceptance isn’t a terminal state of mind.
Less than twenty-four hours later, I stood in front of the mirror to mentally solidify this ground-breaking level of acceptance. With my backside facing the mirror and my head cocked, becoming owl-like, I begin monitoring the level of toneness of my back for any post-body-image-acceptance changes. I leaned to the side in a way I had never leaned before…and there it was. My head went into shock as I looked at my newfound fat roll, and suddenly, it all became clear. What was I thinking before??? I must have been in a delusional, recovery blur to think that my body was imperfectly perfect!
So today, I inform my other half of the transitory state of my body image acceptance. After hearing me rant about how I had never learned that way and how my acceptance was a big fat recovery ruse, my BF had a simple solution for me…”Next time you’re looking in the mirror, DON’T LEAN THAT WAY.”
Ha-ha!
The point to all of this is that recovery and all the coexisting insanity is a cyclical process. At least for me, I don’t think that I will ever arrive at this utopian, blissful state of mind with my body image, but it does get easier. For today, I like (I admit that quietly) my body.
Cliché for the day: The pain is in the resistance.
Do you like Your body?
Coffee Addict 
Your boyfriend’s comment totally made me LOL!!! Perfect response by a civilian! Reminds me of the time of when I questioned EDmund on his thought about people eating in their vehicles: “Do you think they’re bingeing?” His response (paraphrased): “No, I just assume they’re running late and need to eat in their car.” LOL! My question, of course, was prompted because I ate something in my car (probably an apple), and I felt the need to hide it from passerby because I didn’t want them to assume I was bingeing. (since the vehicle was scene of many of my former binges).
The question at the end of this piece is very thought provoking! Do I like my body? I love what my body does, in terms of performance. It’s withstood so much yet functions like a piece of fine machinery (except for the menstruation part which I don’t care about)… but I don’t like my body in terms of aesthetics, for right now at least.
My boy is a true alien in the ED area! His response to people suffering from one is “Why don’t they just quit?” Yeah, right!
I know you have issues with your body image. That breaks my heart. I wish you to be happy. You are so beautiful.
Greta, I really appreciate how simply and clearly you share your inner process of recovery….the mental healing that you demonstrate in this post. You are showing what one person goes through beyond the behaviors of the ED. Stopping the binging and purging (or what ever one does), is only a part of the turmoil of EDs. I especially like the honesty that even though you don’t engage in the ED behaviors, you have mental struggles. No I don’t mean that I wish you to have that kind of suffering….I mean that it gives me an example of someone living OK beyond the ED behaviors….facing the difficult stuff….and succeeding in finding peace, acceptance. That is why I am reading blogs like yours….it gives me courage to push on in my recovery.
For me, from age 15 to 29 I was in mental anguish, daily, obsessing over eating….how to eat healthfully, struggling with never being able to put into practice what I thought was the healthiest way to eat etc…yet outwardly I was not over or under weight, ever. I was suffering perfectionism, shame and isolation and the mental anguish part of an eating disorder. But I was not trying to lose or gain weight. (I plunged into B/P at age 30). I’m just saying that my ED has not been driven by trying to change or control my weight. It has been about control or managing depression and mental obsession, and there is vanity in it. I have believed that if I could eat better I would look healthier….I’ve always had puffy dark circles under my eyes. I’ve always had a bloated tummy even though not overweight in the usual sense. I’ve always been low energy and depressed. I have thought that I should be able to beat these by eating better. There is some truth in that but what is riding piggy back on that is an intense desperation to be in control and the illusion that everything will be better when I achieve more perfect health.
As for your question ‘ Do you like your body?’ YES I do. In a lot of ways I do. I didn’t hesitate on that when I first read your post. But I thought, no one would believe that given that I practice bulimia. But I don’t binge/purge with a self-hating feeling, I’m not trying to punish myself. I binge to give myself pleasure from foods that would make me sick if I left them in my body, I purge to undo the damage from the binge…..and I binge/purge for so many reasons….for alone time, to reduce anxiety, to quiet my negative thinking, to sooth myself, to initiate a bowel movement, etc. (I have been slowly learning other healthy ways to cope but after 20 years of b/p-ing, that behavior has taken on a life of it’s own….it is a deeply engrained multi-level pattern). My attempts to stop the b/p behaviors always brings up INTENSE anxiety, irritability, bitchiness, depression…very extreme. I have only managed to reduce the frequency of b/p episodes…..with a lot of effort.
Part of what I like about my body is that I have experienced so much joy in dancing. More so in my twenties. It is a mixed bag because I have also become estranged from that passion to dance. But occasionally I still turn on the good dance music and dance…the connection is still in me. I get glimpses of the Sacred through moving my body. Why I don’t do it more is a mystery to me. But from my dance experience I know deeply that it’s way more important what the experience of life flowing in us is like than what it looks like from the out side. That doesn’t mean that aesthetics aren’t important to me. But aesthetics encompass a lot more than visuals.
(If we didn’t live so far apart I’d like to see if Fiona and could do some dancing together!!!!)
When I read blogs by so many women younger than myself, or with less time engaged in EDs I strongly wish for them to find a way out…especially to find something more interesting than what their looks are. Part of the tragedy of ED is getting so consumed by them that we don’t get to find out what gifts we have within us to develop and share with the world. (Or if ED people are managing to ‘perform’ in their careers, or families, there is so much suffering and exhaustion isn’t there?) Being middle-aged myself, I feel regret that I have lost so much of my life to the disease…and I wish for you younger people to not have to lose your lives either.
Little by little I am finding some things to be passionate about (my garden and animals, my healthy cooking, my wonderful husband….and I hope to reconnect with dance). There are more times when these things are way more interesting than my ED.
Gel, while reading this comment, my heart has stopped for several times. OK, it didn’t but it felt that way. The thoughts, the feelings you’ve expressed – they are so me – as if I’ve written them myself. I know that we are different and our lives are not similar. But the mood you’ve captivated and transformed into words is alike.
I’ve thought that my ED was about the looks. I’ve never was overweight too. That some stupid diet had evoked it. That it just was the vanity of some kind. So finally after managing my ED behaviors I was shocked that nothing else had particularly changed. God, it was like layers which had to be removed one by one until I see what’s underneath. So that’s what I’m working on. Sometimes struggling or fighting or crying or dancing. Ha-ha! I’m the worst dancer ever, but it helps. And I see it helps you too. So keep it up, the sweetest dancer! xo.
Greta,
I love how even though we have very different lives, we can still resonate with each other on certain deep issues. It makes me feel not so alone.
I keep thinking I’m not going to stop the insane ED thoughts. But I can edge them out or reduce their impact by focusing on what is more important to my heart…like good connections with like-minded people, creating beauty in the garden etc…
Have a good day,
Gel
Isn’t it good to have nice people you can talk to and who understand and can relate? 😀
*group hug*
Dancing helps! I’m not a good dancer (I look like a disorganized bundle of arms and legs when dancing), but I enjoy it. I put on music and dance through my apartment. I even dance in public sometimes. 🙂
I bet you dance beautifully!!!
Oh, and I’m really up for that group hug! 🙂
Thank you for sharing all of this, Gel! I totally believe you that you can have an ED without body image issues. You can also have an ED without self-esteem issues. Nevertheless, an ED is always functional. You wrote that you use it as a way of coping with many things, but there’s another thing that somehow stroke me, namely this one:
“I binge to give myself pleasure from foods that would make me sick if I left them in my body, I purge to undo the damage from the binge…”
That is not necessarily (or just) coping, but rather indulgence. It sounds to me as if you were using the ED as a means to give yourself pleasure but without having to bear the consequences. Okay, I see that bearing the consequences isn’t a good idea when you have problems digesting the food you binge on (let me guess – lots of carb-fat combo foods, often involving wheat or dairy, such as cookies, chocolate, ice cream, pasta with cheese, pizza, pie, … am I right? :D), but then I still ask myself whether you could find something else you could give you to experience pleasure, which you wouldn’t have to undo again? Is there a reason you think you would have to give the pleasure away again after having it, besides not tolerating the foods? Have you developed an addiction to sugar (that would be possible when you binge on the foods I’ve mentioned above)? Have you tried to integrate nutrition as a part of recovery (I can imagine physiological factors play a role in your ED as well, and physiology also relates to psychological issues like depression)? Would it be possible to give yourself pleasure with foods that are good for you (such as, a nice piece of grilled fish with veggies gently roasted in coconut oil, and wonderful flavors … think ginger, basil, freshly ground pepper, coriander, a drop of soy sauce … mmmmmmmm 🙂 )? How is bingeing *actually* related to pleasure? I see that the impulse to start bingeing is very much tied to the anticipation of immediate pleasure from food, but then there comes the point when it shifts to feeling uncomfortable and painful – stuffing yourself with food beyond the point where you start feeling sick from being so full is *not* pleasure, no? Have you ever tried to stay with yourself while bingeing, and to thoroughly observe how you feel during the course of a binge, and how that feeling changes? Do you feel in contact with yourself during the bingeing? If no, is losing the contact with yourself a function of the ED, and what does that bring for you? How can it be that the short-term satisfaction is so much more compelling than the long-term agony?
I hope I don’t come across as overbearing and knowing-better, I’m just putting some questions here for you to think about. Questions like that helped me to untangle the whole thing. That doesn’t mean you have to answer them to me, that’s not the point. They’re just there for you to think about them, if you like. 🙂
Hi Kath,
You do not come across as overbearing, or knowing-better. My sense is that you are sharing your scientific, inquiring mind and your caring heart through these questions.
I get it that you are not expecting me to answer- here – those good questions. And I don’t want to hijack Greta’s post.
I have contemplated most of your questions over the years. I do recognize that the ‘pleasure’ from eating foods that aren’t good for me is fleeting and sometimes isn’t even true pleasure but more an intense sensation that I control…therefore it is a distraction. The pleasure is also not so much a pleasure but a way to avoid the scaryness of change…and of the inevitable pain of withdrawal from my addictive behaviors. (yes sugar is addictive in my opinion/experience). Often I binge/purge not because of a trigger or a desire for pleasure but just because it is my routine and to not do it would cause stress, by breaking my routine.
But what I’d really like to share with you is what came up for me as I read your comment….It helped me to see that I have been on a plateau with my ED…it’s way less ‘bad’ than it used to be. But I’m not moving forward either….I had thought poorly of myself about studying/trying many tools for recovery but not being able to consistently implement them = failure again…Now I am seeing that I have been gathering tools and the next step is to find the structural support….How does my daily life and my relationships support the implementation of more full recovery?
You wrote about your studies including an interest in systems theory, I believe? Not sure what terms you use…but it is about a person with an ED being part of a bigger system not just an isolated sick person…I’m interested in how one’s context supports or hinders recovery.
Uh-oh…this maybe doesn’t belong on Greta’s post…sorry Greta.
Paradoxically I do love my own cooking and wonderful healthy foods: meats, soups, veggies and healthy fats. (kind of Dr. Jekyll – Mr. Hyde)
I think at different stages in an ED we need different kinds of help or support. I don’t think I need In Patient refeeding but that may be just right for someone else. I don’t think I need new ideas for coping,,,,I need support for implementing what I sense is right for me. I want to choose to go through the pain of withdrawal, but I don’t know how to get support for that. I also need community where I can talk about this with people who understand and care and don’t judge me harshly.
Thank you!!!
Gel, please feel free to talk to anyone, and especially Kath here. I’m learning from everyone’s comments so much. Kath is WAY ahead of me in her recovery so her thoughts I treasure the most. And yours as well. I’ve missed some points in my healing path, so you help me to look backwards and fix them. You know, I’m stuck too. There are things I have to deal with (weigh gain!)and to move on in my recovery. But it’ll be painful and I’m scared.
Haha Greta, your BF is amazing! That’s such a simple and clever practical solution! 😀
My body image is still a critical point, too. I’m not too happy with all the weight I’ve gained. I’d like to loose a few kilos again if I could … And I’m particularly unhappy with my face because I always find I have a fat and ugly face, and this is why I’m quite photo-shy. It’s getting better, though, but I really struggle with the face because unlike a part of my body, I can’t pull some loose clothing over it before I go out. 😦
I think I never had an overly distorted view of my own body, actually. I saw myself as very thin when I was very thin, and I see myself as rather thin now, while I am. What is distorted is rather my idea of beauty, because what I find beautiful is a very thin, tender, delicate body.
Kath, I showed up for Christmas Eve Dinner in 2001 with a brown paper bag over my head. The face can absolutely be covered. Fashionably? Perhaps not. But effectively? Oh yes! 🙂
Hahaha, you’re hilarious! 😀
I’m sorry, Nicole, but I fell off my armchair while laughing at your comment!!! Oh, please stop that madness! You are so fun! xxx.
Oh, Kath, I hate my face too. I have a big head on the whole, but my cheeks are amazingly huge. I look like hamster. I always did. Even being at my lowest weight. it’s just genetics.
To me you look perfect! Oh, and you glow! That is fucking amazing!
Aww, thank you so much, Greta! I’ve always had a somewhat chubby face, like you even when I was very thin. I looked like a pumpkin on a stick then. My allergies tended to make my face swell, and the ED did the rest of it. 😦 Maybe this is why I’m so sensitive with my face. I try my best to glow nevertheless!
When I see photo’s of all your faces, I see very lovely faces. And I feel a pang of pain that you don’t like your faces. I look at photo’s of my face and I see my years of depression and fragile health and exhaustion…I don’t like that.
My hope around this is in finding and pouring myself into activities that have heart and beauty. To have something that is so much more interesting and contributes to Life that I don’t have time to feel bad about how I look.
“Like it”, Gel!!!
Thanks!
I don’t know your face, but I’m sure I’d like it! I always like the looks of people I like. 🙂
Gel, I couldn’t agree more with everything you wrote here. Wow.
I think part of why I am so hard on myself is because I’ve always had chubby cheeks. I was teased as a baby and kid about this! Feeling fat in my face is so depressing and that alone triggers my self-hate.