Just on Thursday I’ve wrote an ode to recovery.
Now it sounds like a joke. Here is why.
So it is, almost 8:00 on Saturday evening. Let me just say right off the bat that I have wanted to binge and purge for hours!! These cravings have not come over me, at this level of intensity, for months! I want to eat, eat, eat! I want to rid myself of the fears I have over this post I’m still procrastinating about writing (although, I’m making some progress). I also want to starve and over exercise. It’s… well… crazy, for lack of a better word. Just another indication of the mental disease this is.
Just a glimpse of the ED stream of consciousness this evening:
I really want almond gluten free cookies No you can’t get cookies Just don’t eat Eat your snack as planned I really want cookies I really want to purge Nicole commented that all recoverybullshit I pray for is just a fairytale I have an excuse to binge and purge fuck that you know you don’t want to do this You’ll regret it No I won’t Yes you will I really want to shove massive amounts of gluten free products into my mouth Maybe I’ll just go to the gym and purge that way No you don’t want to do this Who cares I can start over MyBF won’t be home for hours You really just want to distract yourself from doing the post It will still be here if you choose to binge and purge You know you don’t want to…
How I can go from being in a perfectly great mood, to this emotionally ravenous state – in an instant I might add – is nuts. I won’t pathologize too much… none of this is abnormal when you have an ED… Even in recovery… that’s the real kicker. It’s like, yeah, go to treatment, get some recovery – oh, but I might have forgotten to mention that I’ll be haunting you for the next, oh, rest of your life. Yes, I have a lot of “freedom,” meaning, I don’t B/P/S/OEx, and I have the “freedom” to go out to eat without worrying too much about calories; but, on days like today, I feel like I will never get total freedom. I tend not to believe those who say they “recovered” from their EDs. Excuse me, did you have an ED like I had one? To some extent, even without an ED, people will live with food/body issues.
Anyway, all I can think about is going to the healthy store for their famous treats and shoving as many as I possibly can into my mouth… and then, of course, vomiting it out. Wow, that release would feel great–but then I’d feel like shit. Now, I’ve been mulling this over for several hours, my contemplative options changing by the 15-minute interval, and, I think that I’ve gotten over the hump (at least for this interval).
As I’ve made it to the end of this post, I realize that I am definitely not going to binge and purge tonight. Why??? BECAUSE I’M CHOOSING NOT TO!!!!! I’m not going to over exercise at the gym tonight either. I’m going to sit with my feelings and eat my snack, as planned.
My mind tells me that I REALLY don’t want to do this, but my truth tells me that I really want to be abstinent.
Recovery (which I still believe in) is about honesty. As one of the blogger said, “We don’t get honest to get what we want. We get honest to get what we need.” Ya know, I really hate honesty at times.