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I’m having a difficult time here. For a couple of weeks already. I’m kind of lost. 

Having the job problems, relationship problems, anxiety, general dissatisfaction with my body – it’s just huge and not toned enough, friendship complications, learning that being kind does not always pay you back… and overall a vast amount of different pitiful issues.

Also I fear I am relapsing. I am weak. I am worthless and seems I’m doomed to failure.

I find it difficult to recognize recovery in action.

I want to restrict.

I want to quit therapy.

I want to throw furniture around the room.

I want to tear up all the loose paper in my house.

I want to cry in the corner and just stay there all day.

I want to scream at my bf.

I want to resign from the gym.

I want to run, yelling, out of my house in the middle of the night.

I want to delete my blog.

I want to binge.

I want to throw up.

Damn It!

Then I parrot to myself : Come on! Toughen up! You have a wonderful life! You’ve done so wonderfully in your recovery. You are a wonderful person.

Yeah!.. Right!

Somehow none of the above is wonderful. It’s wonderless.

Of course I REALIZE that wanting to take action and taking action are very different.

Wanting to quit, throw, tear, cry, scream, run, restrict, binge, or throw up yet NOT taking the action requires that I bear my feelings.

This means that I’m bearing something uncomfortable.

This means I’m moving beyond my comfort zone.

Just cuz I want to don’t mean I have to.

I hope that wave passes and I won’t have to deal with a messy aftermath…

That’s the story, my friends. Sorry for uninspiring post. Again. And for taking up your time reading it, when I really wish you got up from your computer and did something crazy. Would you? I dear you. 😉 Anything!