When I hear (read) my blog called an Eating Disorders’ blog it upsets me. It reminds me why I had an eating disorder: FEAR. Of my needs, for food, for sleep, for touch, for simple conversation, for human contact, for love. I was bulimic because I was afraid of being human. Implicit in human contact is the exposure of the self, the interaction of the selves. The self I’d had, once upon a time, was too much. And then, there was no self at all. I was a blank.
I’m not that any more.
And this is not an Eating Disorder blog! It’s a lifestyle blog of a person recovering from an eating disorder. I believe in what I’m doing – projecting my joys and genuine sorrows while healing from eating disorders. As I do my recovery work, I outreach to let others know of my work and speak about the obstacles and struggles of my own recovery.
I try to break free from traditional ways of speaking and writing, by going more to the core – not the core of the eating disorder – but the core of the obstacles that prevent people from getting on their recovery path.
By people I mean myself.
I don’t aspire to save lives, sorry folks.
I’m saving myself here, but if you find a tiny bit of comfort in my words or pictures – my heart dances from happiness and joy to make you smile or give hope maybe just for a second. I believe that recovery starts in one’s heart. When you finally realize that starving/binging/purging/starving/binging/purging/starving/binging/purging does not make you skinny, it makes you cry. And you’re not dead, but you’re not alive, either…
Therefore once the desire to set free is there, I am confident that whatever challenges arise, one can weather the storms and keep heading toward full recovery. This may seem grandiose, but I have more than a year of experience behind me that shores up my confidence.
Communication with others across space and time is wonderfully easy with our technology. You can access information of all sorts, and misinformation too. You can receive support for your recovery. But you can receive support for maintaining your illness.
Pro ana and Pro mia sites are notorious for supporting illness. Their destructive message is blatant. But other forms of group support are also destructive.
There are ED bloggers that disguise themselves as supporting recovery when, in fact, (may be even) unknowingly and with love, they too support illness.
Living with an eating disorder means living with pain, fear, terror, rage, indignation and an inability to sort through the stimuli that comes from living in a complex world. Support that attacks the complex world and seeks to make the individual comfortable and safe does not support recovery. It may contribute to creating an environment necessary for healing work to begin. But too often I see people seeking the safe haven as the goal without understanding that once in a safe or more safe environment the healing work must begin.
My blog is the projection of things that seemingly has little to do with eating disorders directly, but has everything to do with understanding and honoring self and development in the world as it is. Yet again, thank you for reading.
And a question: what kind of blogs do you read?