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My lovely readers, commenter and bloggers (whose blogs I abandoned for some time and feel very sorry about that) you’ve written so may beautiful words of support that the only way I can respond to your trust, is to risk being completely cut open. There are ups and downs in the whole recovery process. There are days I LOVE and there are days I feel so blue I wonder if I’m crazy and the only one who senses that.Why, or perhaps I should say, how, is it that the feeling of fear or panic can strike at any moment? One minute I could be at the bookstore having a lovely time admiring and skimming through dozens of books, and the next minute I’m in complete fear. Or, I could be walking down the street on a perfectly sunny day, and all of a sudden, wham!, I feel completely alone, unsafe, and on the verge of tears. These feelings aren’t cause by anything external, but rather, feelings that sit in the depths of my soul and permeate through my psyche–their only release coming in the form of a panic attack or a heavy crying spell.

Does this ever happen to you?

Immediately, when this happens, I call my bf for security. It’s interesting that my first thought is to reach for something or someone external. It used to be food, now it’s my man. The only things more soothing are my iPhone or shopping. As a person who has been through hospitilizations, day treatments,  long-term therapy and more, it is somewhat disheartening that I haven’t been able to sharpen my ability to “self-soothe,” one of the many palliative prescriptions recommended by my therapist. Once again, this shows me how there are SOOOO many levels to this eating disorder. Actually, this has NOTHING to do with the ED itself; these are the feelings that led me to seek out ED in the first place. It’s amazing how powerful feelings can be, isn’t it? After all, rationale tells me, Feelings Aren’t Facts, but when you’re living in a state of fear, it’s rarely rational… at least, that’s what I’ve learned.

…Just one more piece of evidence that proves that the ED and all of its pathological accoutrements are, indeed, a disease (or, at the very least, dis-ease) of the mind.

Image(2) via: glamandvanity.tumblr