Thank you for your amazing comments on my last post. I feel bad when I hear someone thinking so highly of me. I’m really no better, or more “normal,” or suffer less. I’m in recovery. And as I’ve said to one of my lovely readers – hopefully not forever.
All of you, loves, made me think where I am at considering my eating disorder(s).
The most wonderful thing is when time passes – you don’t think about your eating disorder. What I mean is that you don’t wonder about or entertain the thoughts of purging after a meal, or restricting until dinner. You don’t have to exercise to burn calories. You can wear clothes even if they might make you look heavier than you are. More importantly, you can go out in public on a “fat” day. Most importantly, your “fat” days are fewer and farther in between.
While I have been in recovery for a considerably short time, my eating disorder was a treacherous battle that lasted for nearly half of my life. The eating disorder voice, though much quieter, is still present. When this happens, it is an indication that something else is going on.
Given that, I have three days off work starting today. In the past, I would cherish days off to rest, only to ruin those with binging and purging–which would make me needing a vacation by the time I returned to work.
I woke up today, however, and realized that I haven’t been obsessing or thinking about food at all, really. One early in recovery or a person without having an eating disorder might think that it is odd that after all of these years I can still think of food. Given our culture, it is nearly impossible NOT to think of food, weight, body image, etc. What can I say? When you come from a place of purging 20-30 times a day for half of your life, you are bound to hear ED thoughts, even years later. That is just a reality. It isn’t everyone’s–especially when eating disorders come in all forms, with different levels of severity and chronicity–but it is mine.
Does that mean I am imprisoned by it still? NO. For those few years in my recovery, I still had a notion of “getting back” to that “perfect” weight again, or thinking that I could use the ED to fall back on if I needed to from time to time. But then, I got to a place where I JUST DON’T CARE. While the eating disorder’s voice sometimes try to entice me, trying to engage me and reminisce about days when I was thinner (and miserable), I don’t care about it enough to do anything about it.
The message…. LIFE is so much more than the eating disorder! REALLY. Yes, it serves as a nice distraction and gives one a false sense of security and protection. But that is just a cruel ruse. Eating disorders waste time and waste lives. For those struggling and reading this – YOU can recover!!!!
I’m sorry if you miss my posts on the subject or I don’t comment more often on some of the blogs considering eating disorders – I hope, I have explained it clearly: LIFE IS JUST MORE! I crave it badly!