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Ugh Monday!! And my Monday is measured in hours within a hope to grab a few quick minutes in my busy day to have a coffee break. And then I rush back to my desk, watch the clock, live by appointments. Not very charming, ha?b11

My boyfriend keeps reminding me that I don’t need to be so hard on myself. I often wonder what it would be like to go through my day without saying… you should’ve done this… if you would’ve only done it that way… why did you have to do X… blah, blah, blah. I don’t know if there are people who walk around with clear minds, but wouldn’t it be nice for one day, or rather, one hour, to have complete mental freedom? But then, I’d probably be bored. What else could I possibly have to think about, if I didn’t have these mindless, all-consuming distractions?

I have this running list, both on paper and in my head, of “things to do,” which helps my organization, but also fuels my self-imposed guilt. If, and when, I finish my list of things to do, offering my mind a chance to be “free” for a moment, then the body image obsession creeps in, tainting any possible relaxation for my overactive brain.

Did I mention I get headaches daily?195

I constantly crave freedom from my mental obsessions, yet, because I’m unable, or rather, keep choosing to fuel these maladaptive thoughts, I beat myself up about having the thoughts–which perpetuates the unhealthy, cyclical cognitive process. Argh.

So, today, I’m going to try to be gentle with myself about these thoughts. It’s my perfectionism (and my ego) that tells me I “shouldn’t” be having these thoughts, and that my mind “should” be clear. Why shouldn’t I have these thoughts? I was shackled by an active eating disorder for nearly 15 years… how can I think that the very thoughts and feelings that created something that lasted so long will dissipate just because I’ve had some abstinent time? Ahh…the joys of unrealistic expectations. Oh, how they plague me.

Today, I will PAY ATTENTION to what I’m telling myself about what I “should” and “should not” do, and then “CHOOSE” to think differently… one thought at a time. Cool, right?

Sorry to make you read all of these NOT inspirational thoughts. But maybe I could tempt you to some homemade chocolate I’m starting my week with? Not the healthiest breakfast but who cares. I live only once!P1120667And some light scent as I go:acquaGrabbing my favorite scarf and I’m off to meet the World!P1130112Tell me, tell me, tell me: what do/did you have for breakfast today? Is that what you usually have?

What do/did you smell today?

Happy Monday, cupcakes!!