Ugh Monday!! And my Monday is measured in hours within a hope to grab a few quick minutes in my busy day to have a coffee break. And then I rush back to my desk, watch the clock, live by appointments. Not very charming, ha?
My boyfriend keeps reminding me that I don’t need to be so hard on myself. I often wonder what it would be like to go through my day without saying… you should’ve done this… if you would’ve only done it that way… why did you have to do X… blah, blah, blah. I don’t know if there are people who walk around with clear minds, but wouldn’t it be nice for one day, or rather, one hour, to have complete mental freedom? But then, I’d probably be bored. What else could I possibly have to think about, if I didn’t have these mindless, all-consuming distractions?
I have this running list, both on paper and in my head, of “things to do,” which helps my organization, but also fuels my self-imposed guilt. If, and when, I finish my list of things to do, offering my mind a chance to be “free” for a moment, then the body image obsession creeps in, tainting any possible relaxation for my overactive brain.
Did I mention I get headaches daily?
I constantly crave freedom from my mental obsessions, yet, because I’m unable, or rather, keep choosing to fuel these maladaptive thoughts, I beat myself up about having the thoughts–which perpetuates the unhealthy, cyclical cognitive process. Argh.
So, today, I’m going to try to be gentle with myself about these thoughts. It’s my perfectionism (and my ego) that tells me I “shouldn’t” be having these thoughts, and that my mind “should” be clear. Why shouldn’t I have these thoughts? I was shackled by an active eating disorder for nearly 15 years… how can I think that the very thoughts and feelings that created something that lasted so long will dissipate just because I’ve had some abstinent time? Ahh…the joys of unrealistic expectations. Oh, how they plague me.
Today, I will PAY ATTENTION to what I’m telling myself about what I “should” and “should not” do, and then “CHOOSE” to think differently… one thought at a time. Cool, right?
Sorry to make you read all of these NOT inspirational thoughts. But maybe I could tempt you to some homemade chocolate I’m starting my week with? Not the healthiest breakfast but who cares. I live only once!
And some light scent as I go:
Grabbing my favorite scarf and I’m off to meet the World!
Tell me, tell me, tell me: what do/did you have for breakfast today? Is that what you usually have?
What do/did you smell today?
Happy Monday, cupcakes!!
Greta.
Coffee Addict 
I has fruit loops (I don’t usually eat those) and coffee.
I smelled my Versace cologne, and a glass of brandy.
Hihihi! So,I’m not the only one eating sugar for breakfast!:D
And Versace meets brandy is a winner! Temperamental!
I rarely eat breakfast. I know I should, but since I was little I never really liked to.
I love perfumes by Armani. I’ve been wearing She by Armani for years now. It’s my absolute favorite. So much so that I will only stop wearing it if they stop making it. Which I hope they never will.
Yeah, I’m not the breakfast eater either! I usually have my last meal at 10-11pm,so how can I be hungry? However my bf makes me eat!
And I hear you about stopping some perfume lines! Gosh, I hate it! They did it to my Escada in to the Blue!! I was wearing it since I don’t remember… and now I never will 😦
I always have the same thing when I’m traveling: one serving of coffee in my Bodum travel press (this trip I brought along Tanzania peaberry), and a Kind bar – usually the coconut and almond variety. When I’m home I have more coffee, plus either fruit and cheese or homemade energy bars (oats, flax, peanut butter, coconut, dried fruit and honey). Only one fragrance with me this trip – Flowerbomb by Viktor & Rolf.
Your breakfasts sound supper healthy and classy – so You!! I don’t remember ever trying Flowerbomb by Viktor & Rolf, but now I must to. The perfume says so much about the person, IMO!
Oh Sweetheart, I can only agree with your man. Don’t be so hard and don’t pressure yourself, life is too short! I have nasty thoughts about my appearance or workout/food/weight but not on the things I ‘should’ do. How I keep them off? Meditation. I know it sounds boring and most of the people think it’s bullsh***t but since I meditate daily, my recovery is progressing. Meditation is what gives me the healthy distance from nasty thoughts. And I don’t think your expectations are unrealistic. There is a way to free ourself from the thoughts, it’s very realistic!!
Besides that: I am having 2 small pancakes right now and I have an obsession for scents. I can not decide between: Tommy Girl, Sense from Armani, Idole from Armani, CK 1, J’adore…..happy Monday Love!!!
If I could, I’d be eating your pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner and tea!! 😀 I made some of them on friday and they were gone within seconds – my man is obsessed with them too 😀 😀 And I thought that you are a Tommy Girl! Really, I remember I had a sample of that and finished it recently, and as I was tossing the empty bottle away, I thought of you.
Also, how did you learn meditation? Any suggestions are welcomed 😉
I know what you’re talking about, Greta. Without those mindless tasks to be tackled, without those distractions, our minds become a hot fauna for ED-oriented thoughts. They just won’t leave us alone, making us fidgety and anxious, worried that we will not be able to control ourselves from eating and losing grip. This phase of anxiety is the worst. We have not given in, but we don’t know if we might any second now. Ugh. I wish I were able to relax and be in peace, perhaps just soaking in the afternoon sun while taking a walk alone, without having to have these thoughts. But like you said, I am not going to tell myself that I “should” be able to do that. Maybe I am not in a place where that is going to come easy. So for now, I am going to be thankful that I am being able to comment on this post of yours without having an urge to bolt.
As for my breakfast today, I had a hot bowl of apricot almond muesli with skim milk. I usually have that most mornings these days, but when I do have some hand in time, I branch out for some other “safe” options (safe for me at the moment) such as multigrain toast with boiled egg and a banana 🙂
Agh, my dearest, I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry we have those boiling minds! I had a wonderful weekend with the clearer mind, but those “blah, blah, blahs” caught up with me this morning. However I left the office early. 😀 Good for me!!
And both of your breakfast choices look yummy to me!!
I wonder why did you stop posting your meals? I loved that!! 🙂
I know, I just noticed that I hadn’t been posting my food photos for about a month now, so decided to bundle them all up together for a WIAW post tomorrow! I have an inkling that the reason for this was probably because I was having a bad relapse phase and did not have a good relationship with food for the most part lately. But the past week has been relatively good so I want to keep this up and get even better!!!
Yay! Can’t wait for tomorrow!
And one step at a time, right! We are not racing here 😉
xoxo
Oh love! Your new plan of approach still sounds like a “should”-list which can only disappoint!
“Today, I WILL PAY ATTENTION to what I’m telling myself about what I “should” and “should not” do, and then “CHOOSE” to think differently”
Can’t you change it into, “today I will try to be mindful about how I judge myself”
I just made oats. For the first time in my life. Like, whaaat! It was kinda…. bland. But I liked the texture! So if anyone has tips? Haha.. Oh and a black coffee with it. Doh.
&Today I am wearing FlowerBomb by Viktor and Rolf as well, as someone above commented earlier!
PS; Maybe you can look around you for a bit. You’re not the only one pushing yourself. Which I am sure your boss is quite happy with. It’s your job, you want to perform, it’s not weird you are trying to push yourself. However, you can’t let it become a blame-game. Pushing yourself isn’t the same as punishing yourself. I am sure your colleagues and your boss show their appreciation of your hard labor. So why can you not try to do just that? Appreciate your accomplishments, instead of punishing yourself of future-accomplishments–which-you-didnot-yet-finish?
I left the office early. I should have done more and stayed longer. But I left and decided not to care about that place till tomorrow… and I’m smiling about that 😀
I never liked hot cereals or muscles or whatever for breakfast, but I used to those as my bf eats barley or oats as well.
And is that your favorite: FlowerBomb by Viktor&Rolf? I have to know what you smell. Perfume is the character reveler 😉
I don’t have a favorite. I have favorites for different moments of the day or different occasions. Both FlowerBomb and Agent Provocateur are my day-out fragrances. For a day at home I wear simple Vanilla (BodyShop) or White Musk (BodyShop). And for a night out I like Heat by Beyonce, or sometimes I mix one of my day fragrances with a heavy vanilla fragrance (handmade in Cuba) 😉
Did you think abt what I just wrote though? About how your new resolution still sounds like you’re being too strict on yourself?
Well, I am strict, yes I try not to be, Sooz. I just don’t want to make another “should” out of it. There’s one project that’s going on, but we’re almost done – I hope to concentrate more on myself then.
Thank you for caring.
I try to break free from those obsession too. I think it just takes a lot of time and I know you’ll get there soon! Hang in there and hopefully the headaches go away a little soon!
Thank you, sweetie!! I’m just too tired of those ever lasting thoughts of never being good enough! But I don’t have to, right? 😉
should is such a hard word to take out of your vocabulary but something I am trying to be aware of on a continual basis. it is hard to put away those expectations you place on yourself but even the continued reminder that you should do nothing is a great practice.
Amen, Alex! I left the office early and I don’t regret a bit! I want to feel that I’m enough 😀
First of all, I love love LOVE that plate!
Secondly, my breakfast was a green juice, and now a large cup of coffee! Which is also what I am smelling, so you know its nice 🙂
Aww, you’ve noticed my new plate! I’m in love with it too and a cup and a bowl that come along!
Green juice! Yumm! You are a healthy nut, Shannon 😉
Really? you have headaches everyday? Is that from work stress or something else?
There’s a lot in this post, to mull over. I’ll just let in mull in my mind today.
As for your questions:
Lately I’ve been having ginger tea or red clover infusion and some ground coconut when I first get up. It’s light and then I can do my exercises. I used to like caffeinated tea and chocolate first thing, not really a breakfast but it was light, delicious and quick energy. However that isn’t good for me in the long run and as you know I’m doing this plan to heal my intestines…so I’m having non caffeine or chocolate. I really miss it.
For the real breakfast, which is a few hours later, I have delicious stew with veggies and some kind of meat or fish. Lately I’ve made a thick – almost creamy soup – by pureeing cooked leeks, celery root and cauliflower. It’s a satisfying texture and flavor. My favorite is to use that puree to cook some fresh oysters or salmon. MMMM!!!
As for smells….I didn’t add any fragrances as most others have. But I have a keen sense of smell and enjoyed the smell of my kitty, yes she smells good! then also what I was cooking for my husband. The smells of the morning rain. The trash bin…because it is garbage pickup day….had to put it out to the curb….But just for fun, if I had put on a fragrance it would be amber or honeysuckle.
Gosh, Gel! You such a child of nature! I adore you because of it! all those little details as teas, coconut, fresh veggies and stews, the fragrances – so natural and calming – picture me an extremely calm and content person – a yogi!! Really your life is so peaceful! Jealous!!
I should quit my job and go raise some chicken in my backyard!! 😀
“Should” is one of the most judgmental words in the English language. I think we could play the “should have” game everyday all day if we let ourselves. I really like your idea of shutting it down or letting it go. There are so many ways to get a great result, that “should-a, would-a, could-a” is moot anyways. If you’re happy at the end of the day, it’s a win. If there are things you think could have gone better, learn and move on.
I work out pretty early (5:00 a.m. – I know, it’s crazy) so when I get home I usually have a green or blue energy-type drink and make gluten-free toast and peanut better with a banana to take to the office (I pack all of my food). Tea at home and coffee with soy creamer at the office. When I’m on the road, gluten-free is really, really difficult so I’ll often have eggs and potatoes. Chocolate, especially the homemade variety would be a nice, once/week swap.
Elaine
I eat peanut butter and bananas every morning I’m at home, on whatever bread is available!
And Greta, I’ve had a lifelong obsession (well, at least since I first smelled it) with YSL’s Nu. It was sadly discontinued, so I use mine sparingly, for special occasions only!
Erin, I’m so sorry for your YSL… I know cause the same thing has happened to my Escada 😦
And yay to banana’s with PB! 😀
Elaine, you always inspire me to have some time for myself during the day. For instance today I was at the gym at 6am! And after all I feel great to continue with my day! Yeah and your breakfasts sound like the true fitnessista’s 😀
I love how you linked the unhealthy judgemental thinking to your eating dis-ordered ways… because you are right…. stopping the behavior is the tip of the iceberg (Unless one suffers from a moronic (in denial) belief that eating disorders are only defined by being underweight or purging your food <—UGH. STOOPID).
So yes, gentle up and practice makes better.
PS- I am wearing Burberry Pink today (Valentines Gift from a platonic friend).
Oh and PS — when practicing this sort of thought monitoring?
Be mindful of your environment — stay away from toxic people or articles that exhibit that sort of behavior and be around people who support you!
It seeps in, trust me!
Burberry Pink!!! I’m thinking of posting of me turning all PINK lately, today! But truly I like that fragrance.
Yeah… toxic and addictive do no good to me! I should o my nails instead! 😀 😀 😀
oh i love your new plate 🙂 how cool is that ! I always have my breakfast. Always. If I dont have time to prepare something at home i`ll make a toast with butter and jam at work..oh and of course coffee 🙂 My favorite parfum is Issey Miyake Le Feu D’ Issey Light ….haven`t found anything better 🙂
I love my plate, too hun! I bought a tray, a bowl, cup of the same kind as well! 🙂
Issey Miyake Le Feu D’ Issey Light – mmm – awesome!
Love the transparency. I am definitely hard on myself as well!
No, Chelsea! Not you! You are wonderful and fun! 🙂
Homemade chocolate sounds like a pretty good breakfast to me! If it’s homemade that means less chemicals, right? And it looks like it has nuts in it, which means protein, right? I think that’s a fine breakfast. 🙂
Just try to be positive, and don’t come down on yourself too hard!
Bahahaha! Love it, Liv!! I had protein and fat and carbs for breakfast!! Good for me, right? 😉
And thank you for your support! Means a lot!!
first and foremost, NEVER apologize for writing down non-inspirational thoughts, because in a way they ARE inspirational. They are honest, they show truth, and remind people that not every day can be filled with butterflies and rainbows. That it’s okay to have an off day. ❤
… but like your boyfriend said, try not to be so hard on yourself. I know, easier said then done, but just remind yourself when your having a negative thought… "I am beautiful, and I am awesome!"
Thank you, love! I will be saying that even if I don’t fell it! And you are the awesomeST to care like that! Thanks!! 😉
I also agree that your plate is MAAAAARVELOUS! Wow!!!!! I’d love to have an entire set of those!!!
In addition, I agree with Miss Missy about purging toxic articles/people from your beautiful attention, if at all possible. I’ve noticed a bad pattern with myself lately and I’ve taken the appropriate steps to not even allow those poisonous, self-destructive ramblings to even enter my view (where as before I would still read/listen to them out of morbid curiosity…like watching a train wreck…but if you watch enough train wrecks, the reality of it starts seeping further and further into your brain until you go mad thinking of all the death and destruction you are constantly witnessing). Clearing your mind of such influences is a very beautiful and freeing experience! When you do this, your thoughts don’t get muddled so much with someone else’s and it becomes easier to stay focused on positively improving YOURS. You can change the quality of your thoughts, but you can’t change someone else’s. So don’t even dwell on those.
I also agree with Lucky (swissfitchick) that meditation is a great way to keep your mind focused on positive thoughts. I’ve always done yoga, but just started taking an actual class and I’ve so far been going every week for 5 weeks and I must say, the difference in how I feel about myself is phenomenal. Not only is the exercise great for you, but just hearing the encouraging words from the instructor, meditating on those words, and leaving any anxieties or negative thoughts at the door, is an absolutely wonderful way to let those good thoughts really burrow into your subconscious. If you hear something enough, you start to believe it. Make sure the words you are hearing in your head are positive, meditate on those, and you will believe them. I truly believe that I am beautiful, strong, and that there is no race. I’ve already won.
These were all wonderful suggestions, and they really do work. Good luck to you, Greta! Try to relax a little!
Oh and so far, I’ve been so wrapped up in writing this, I’ve not yet had breakfast! I plan on having a quick one with some Fruity Pebbles and Vitamin D milk! (The Vitamin D is great for a body this time of year when there is less sunlight to absorb it naturally, it does wonders for your mood and is a natural anti-depressant!)
Aw, thank you for this comment. You’ve spoken right to my soul, hun. I’ve lost myself a little on this journey. I guess I should slow down, but not go back to where I’ve started. I’ve been there and I understand how bad things might get…
And I have atended the yoga school this September. You are right. The true knowledge is very powerful. However I had to choose between the gym and the school and I quit. Already regret that big time. Well I have the next year 😉
As for my new plate. I got some more dishes and snapped the picture to show you:
But the whole this cost me a fortune. So I don’t know if I’ll be adding anything else to this.
And yay for vitamin D! I’m taking that as well 😉
LIKE LIKE LIKE!!! I take that back, LOVE! I’m sorry to torture myself as I know these are probably FAR out of my budget, but I MUST know who makes those!
Also, I meant to agree with “Lucy” above, although she may be the kind of girl who hits the jackpot at the casino every time! (I know I’M not that lucky! LOL!)
I’m putting here a link of the website where you can order those. It’s worth checking even if not buying – everything is just awesome!
http://melodyrose.co.uk/
I’m the same. Always vexed by thoughts, pushing myself forward, and being hard with myself if I lack the energy I need to push myself. I’m so tired of it!
I had a lot of tea and coffee with almond milk during the morning today (yes, I’m back to coffee! 😀 ), and then it suddenly was 2 pm and I ate lunch. 😛
I hope things are better for you, Kath. So the new plan is lunch and dinner only? How is that working out for you?
No that would never work out for me! But since I have problems putting food into my stomach too often (I feel very unwell then and that stresses me a lot), I’ve found out I go better with 2-3 meals a day, but throughout the day I easily consume a liter of almond milk, and I also eat chocolate or almond butter between meals.
Chocolate and almond milk is the killer combination, Kath! Could I ask you to d a post of what you eat, or just email me, please. I’m at a bad place with food right now, need a change, asap!:D
I plan to do a post on that soon! It’s not a finished plan yet, I still have to figure out some details, but the basics are already standing. I’ll email you 🙂