Hey, if you follow me, you know that I’m still battling the ED issues. That lately I have lost and (if you not aware) regained the lost weight and some plus, eating those and whatever… So a few days ago I noticed that my loosest jeans are tight on me. This was not a good sign.
Although I make it a practice not to weigh myself, my fat jeans always tell me when I’ve gained weight. I figured I’d put on 4, possibly 5, pounds, and, for the umpteenth time, I was convinced that my brain had truly snapped and I was 5 minutes away from being as big as a house. Or at least a small cottage.
I thought about getting liposuction, flogging myself, or buying a bigger pair of jeans. They were all out of the question – especially the buying bigger jeans option. I’d rather have a root canal without novocaine.
Of course, I can always decide that I’m not going to go around feeling (and declaring that I feel) fat and disengage from that alluring drama with its attendant sweeps of emotion. I know how to do it, but I’m also quite fond of drama.
Yesterday I caught myself thinking, if I woke up tomorrow and this whole issue with food was gone, I wouldn’t know how to judge myself. Right now, being thin is how I know I’m good. Feeling fat is how I know I’m bad. If I didn’t have this system of fat and thin, I would feel terribly lost.
I bet I wouldn’t resort to a constant state of feeling fat if it didn’t serve me in basic, primal ways. No one keeps eating and overeating and feeling miserable unless it has a benefit. Perhaps it makes me feel safe? Maybe it’s because feeling fat – even if I’m not – connects me to the millions of other women in the world on constant diets? It allows me to fit in, to feel the same as everyone else.
Also, I’m that kind of woman who greets every compliment – on my hair, my skin, my most recent accomplishment – with an “Oh, but I’m so fat.” “Feeling fat” is the handy scapegoat for all the bad feelings I have.
And that’s kind of stupid! As when I tell myself I feel fat, I make it impossible to figure out what is actually going on in my head. Perhaps I really am uncomfortable with my size and am ready to lose weight. But most likely I’m actually lonely, excited, happy, or threatened. I’ll never know as long as I translate uncomfortable or unfamiliar feelings, positive or negative, into the familiar refrain “I feel fat.” And I will never be happy until I stop thinking happy is a synonym for thin.
The conclusion of all this rambling is: what I actually want from being “thin and gorgeous and happy” will never be achieved by telling myself that I’m fat and ugly. I can’t love myself by hating myself, right?
And I had to write this whole shit to get it.
So are you in love with Yourself, today?
Anyways You should celebrate! It’s International Women’s Day! Congrats, Ladies! My ready to greet the incredible world items of this morning: Green tea. Set camera. Inhale. Go.
Have a gorgeous weekend my fabulous, pretty and thin readers!