Tags
anorexia, binging, bulimia, diet exercise, eating disorders, ED, food, health, recovery
It’s Saturday. I hope you are having your coffees or teas and enjoying your weekend so far. 
I wanted to speak about the things that have been bothering me for a while, however addressing those were tough enough for myself, not speaking about the bigger audience out there. And this week is ED Awareness Week, therefore I’ve decided to open up. Don’t judge me strictly, please.
Why is it that every time I work on one part of recovering from the ED, another piece of it tries to seduce me? Of course, the obvious answer is that it’s a mental illness… duh. Details aside, why does it have to happen that way? I mean, I work on not binging and purging, and all of a sudden I want to restrict. I work on not restricting, and then I want to over exercise. As soon as I make the decision to eat on my food plan, as planned, I get the urge to overeat… just a little… or restrict, just a little. And then the mental cycle starts again, which allows me to never fully be at peace. Throw any level of stress in the mix, and the entire thought train is magnified.
My ED symptoms are like small systems, interacting and taking direction from a larger system in my brain, my personal director of weight management…which takes direction from an even larger system, My Sense of Self. The surface problem is that I’m still choosing to define who I am by external qualities, like what my body looks like and what I achieve. The more deeply-rooted problems are… well, too complex to get into on this post.
The short of it is, at my core, I still feel inadequate. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel happy, because my life is better than ever. But at the end of the day, when I look at what motivates me, I have an invisible “I”, standing for Inadequacy, slapped across my forehead, following my every move.
Throughout my recovery, professionals have told me that as long as I was active in the addiction, it takes the same amount of time to recover. I don’t mean “recover” like cured from thinking about and engaging in ED behavior; I mean recovery from the arrested development and the issues that triggered the ED in the first place. I always thought that I would make faster progress… wrong. The complexities, and subsequent mind-fucks (pardon my French), of EDs are baffling.
So, I’ve been in a cycle of unconscious restricting for a couple of months. Not a lot, but enough to lose weight and have people notice. It’s strange that I’m in this phase, because I haven’t been “here” since before my bulimia started. Like many, prior to bulimia, I restricted… until I got too hungry one day, and decided to start throwing up. Of course, I’m simplifying my double-twisting dive into the abyss of the ED, but you get the point.
What’s even stranger, is that I’m not restricting because I think I’m fat, and my goal is not to achieve anorexia. Also, I feel indifferent to the weight loss. I don’t exactly get a high from it. On some level, I just really don’t care; I know that I look fine and that I don’t need to lose weight. Moreover, sharing my story here, I set up myself as an example of how one can overcome an eating disorder and so I don’t want to ever become “sick” in that way again.
And yet, I still want to lose weight. What this shows me is that the mental dis-ease of this mental illness still has powerful ammunition, even in recovery.
It ‘s Saturday. And all is well.
Despite the cold.
I would say I’m fine. Are You? Tell me.
Have a wonderful weekend, cupcakes!
Love, Greta
Coffee Addict 
I think you are fully aware at how your disorder is making this part of it appealing to you. However, I do believe that you have the knowledge and drive to fight it. Recovery is really about pushing yourself out of that comfort of the ed that you lived with for so long. You have to actively act against to keep pulling yourself out of it. I know you can do this, you know where to find me if you need anything. Thinking of you!
My dear, Alex, yes, I am aware and damn, I have the knowledge. And you are absolutely right about pushing oneself out of that “comfort.” Because now, at this state – I feel pretty good (as I’ve stated – better than ever) So I’m even afraid to step out of this condition, to make things worse. Wrong. Thank you for your support.
Oh girl. You are so open and honest thank you so much for this. Well, I remember the email you sent to me a few weeks ago when I told you I struggle. You told me that it takes more time to recover than we could ever think of. So as much as it sucks (and I am really annoyed at times too since I am SO impatient with myself) – we have to take our time. We have to be patient, but be AWARE at the same time and that is what i see here – you are aware what’s happening and you work on it. There is no better way to do it. Don’t beat yourself up but hug your soul. I don’t even think it is about weight or food, it is about the self-confidence that is different every day, about self-doubts that creep in or about stress – food and weight is ‘only’ the tool to express it. I believe in you and I know you’ll get there. I am with you in this you’re not alone ! Love you!!
Ps. If you want me to send you some beyond delicious and exclusive weight-gain-crack from Switzerland please let me know
Pps. That nailpolish in the first pic?? Label, Color??? It’s beautiful!!!
Gosh, Lucie, you are the sweetest. I can’t wrap my head over the thought that I have 13 more years to go with recovery (I’ve done the first two!) If those people were right about the amount of time it takes to recover. I think I should relax a bit and take things very slowly and carefully.
And good god, I’d “recover” within days eating swiss chocolate and cheese. 😀 Thank you for your offer!
Also about the nail polish, I’m lucky to pick up leftovers after the photo shoots – and they don’t use anything expensive, so it was Maybelline’s Colorama Amanhecer. Did not last long so I’m not sure I’d recommend that. But the color is nice. 😉
I totally understand about that part, how when we try to work on one part of the ed, the other gets the better of us. I was being able to re-feed myself and was beginning to learning how to eat comfortably without incessantly having to count every calorie. But then the weight gain happened, and the bulging arms…. And the desire to get thinner again, even though all this while I was comfortable with the idea of not being as thin as I used to in order to be happy. And stress, ugh, I feel your pain!! My ED and uni studies used to affect each other so badly!!
And I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. Well, I’m not sure if sorry is the right word for my sentiment here, because I really do sympathise with your pain and I cannot wish hard enough that this did not have to be a problem for any of us. I am sure that everyone says this to you all the time, but I honestly think that you are a beautiful, strong woman, despite what your mind may tell you to believe, despite whatever mistakes you may have made. You are my inspiration!! And with all my heart, I pray for even more happier days to come for all of us xxx
I love your comment, sweetie. I love that you can sympathize with me. And there’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m not getting thin here madly. My weigh just fluctuates. As I’ve said it’s somehow unconscious restriction. I’m not hungry, or unhappy. I don’t weight myself, but after some people noticed I had to and the number was/wasn’t (I don’t even know) surprised.
So since this happened I’m eating more. But as well as you I don’t feel comfortable. So I’m like where the hell is that peace? 😀
Sorry for the rant.
I’m so thankful to have you here. You get me, girl! 😉
Bonjour! As we both very well know, our philosophies are super different. I don’t believe that recovery exists; you do. I believe that bulimia can be switched off; you believe it’s a process, involving the mind. You involve your emotions with the situation; I do not. If I did not know you, I would counsel you to toughen the fuck up. To grow a thicker skin (not fatter, ha ha). To accept that you might overexercise, eat more, eat less, etcetera, from time to time… but I know that’s not right for you. I know that you’d rather a huge which I shan’t offer either. I will rather send you photographs of Gwendolyn sandwiches… and this…
“Recovery” to me, means “perfection.” I am a perfectionist, so if I am “better”/”recovered” then I am “perfect.” Because there is no other option. So in addition to everything that I disbelieve about “mental illness” I do not think that eating or things related to body size management can ever be “perfect.” Therefore a person is not recovered (if I believed in mental illness in the first place, so we are speaking hypothetically here). Even when a girl is eating dead on balls accurate, exercising moderately, and not allowing consumption and expenditure to dictate her life… she shall still tweak something. She shall cut her apple differently on Tuesday. She shall skip lunch because of meetings, secretly commending herself for the accidental restriction. She shall run harder and faster than the girl next to her at the gym. Does that mean she is not recovered? No. It means she’s vibrant!
Someone like you, someone like me, is inclined to dwell on all of that. The apple. The missed lunch. The gym competition. Because EDs were so much a part of our lives for so long, we relate everything to it, in the back of our minds. And your recovery expectations, I believe, shall drive you bonkers.
For me, so long as I’m not bingeing and purging, I am not bulimic; and I am therefore wonderful. Each day after the binge purge concludes is a gorgeous changing situation. Everyone gains weight. Everyone loses weight. Everyone thinks about it. Those of us in the bulimic mafia just need to be mindful that our bodies are gorgeous machines. ONE system. Rationally speaking, our eating patterns and habits are a component of the system. They do not act alone. They act together. One does not dictate the other. Our bodies are a free democracy, and we must pledge allegiance to it.
You are not eating disordered if your eating and activities are normal, to YOU. What is recovery for you? Tell me the formal definition. Do your habits compromise your quality of life? Is it disordered when you work endlessly on a gorgeous fashion spread? Are you a workaholic? No. Your perfectionist tendencies affect everything in your life. So don’t allow the hang-up on the body to make you feel any less gorgeous. You don’t binge and purge anymore. You are not bulimic. Use your perfectionist energies for the good. And you’re doing just that with your pretty blog.
You are vibrant!
PS: I wrote “huge” but meant “hug.”
Bonjour, indeed, Mademoiselle!
Firstly, thank you for this expressive comment. I appreciate it, really.
Secondly my recovery definition is not far from yours, IMO. To me recovery means – I’m clean. In my world, if I don’t go out and buy large quantities of food for a binge, I don’t sit around and binge until I hurt and I never purge, then I’m sustaining my recovery. So I guess I’m wonderful too 🙂
But there the perfection thing comes along which drives me the opposite direction! I really don’t want to go there, Nicole! I don’t want you to go there either.
So yes, I still seek that comfort place where I can be my “perfect” self. However, “perfect” doesn’t really fit into the category of moderation. And I’m still trying to define myself externally, to some extent, whether it be by how well I follow my food plan, or how much I weigh, or the size of my jeans. Gosh, you see… I’m like a deer in headlights – lost lost lost…
It seems to me that you are learning to refocus the willpower and discipline that are inherent to eating disorders (even bulimia). You are working to control or mediate internal thoughts, which is a hundred times more difficult than controlling/changing attributes of your physical self. You are doing a good job! Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for this comment, hun. Sometimes hearing this form the person who has not any issues in this area is the best advice 😉
Although I don’t think I’ve had a ‘full blown’ ED I definitely had a lot of issues and I can relate to so much of this – I find that when I don’t keep an eye on things I go back to eating in a way that enables me to lose weight, without that even being present in my mind. For me I guess its more about how I have ‘programmed’ myself to eat, but I am learning new habits and the grip that disordered behaviours had on me is starting to loosen. Hope you have a lovely Saturday and enjoy lots of good coffee 🙂
Yup, Laura, getting back on track and keeping an eye on things would be a good place to start coming out of this stage.
I truly appreciate your advice and wonderful Saturday wishes. I hope you had a good one too!
When I spoke about it with Peter recently, I compared the ED with a kraken sitting in my head and trying to wrap its tentacles around each thought and into each corner of my mind. I’ve been chopping off tentacles but they like to grow back. I have the same problem with restricting and losing weight – if I’m not careful *every single day*, I get into the “let’s save some calories by cutting back on fat” mindset. It’s awful and affords a lot of energy to act against this urge. Being with Peter helps me as there now is somebody who notices. I don’t think I’d have been able to get rid of the kraken all by myself.
While I’ve made progress with understand the hidden roots of the ED and managing ED behaviors, there’s still much to unravel, and my mind is still contaminated by it. Sometimes I feel disillusioned by how long it takes and how effortful it is to get away from it. I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to overcome it completely, but as long as I get to a place where it doesn’t ruin my health anymore, I’ll be content.
Thank you, my dearest. You get me so well, and I went like “god, thank you, I’m not alone on this!” after I’ve read your comment.
I’m so happy you have Peter now. I hope you’ll be getting better and better and will inspire me along.
And hell yes, the KRAKEN! This is exactly how edOs look like 😀
I really have to get back to keeping an eye on things 😉
I’ve told you before how I feel you shouldnt consider yourself ‘bulimic’, because that sort of implies an excuse to moderate food intake, and make it feel like a victory. Because you didn’t actively binge (/purge), it was a good day. Rather, you are (what I consider) anorectic. Maybe atypical, I don’t know. I don’t know the labels. But your bingeing started from malnutrition, and I think that says enough. That says your brain is wired in an ‘under-eating’-satisfactory mode, which makes the focus on not-bingeing the wrong one.
However, realizing you’re slipping or spiralin is the biggest achievement. It means you can actively make an effort to up your game. Someone I know has recently challenged herself to ‘her final battle’; 100 days of no exercise and upping her food. She has always struggled with exercise to ‘justify’ eating more, and this is her big fight of ‘me vs myself’. The fact she’s actively (and loudly, she’s telling everyone she knows and doesnt know) making this effort is already so darn empowering. No, it’s not easy, but hopefully in the end its worth it.
We are prone to addictions. Overeating, undereating, exercise, alcohol… I think if you struggle with one of these, you will at some point struggle with some/all of those others as well. It’s all ways to escape reality; to change focus. To deny, escape, run. It’s not considering yourself worthy enough. And thát is what we need to work on. Self-love. Feeling adequate and worthy enough without the mambojambo, without ‘buts’ and ‘ifs’.
Oh this was a lot more harsh and negative than I intended. Because I think you’ve come so far already. SO far. And I know you know it’s worth it. How much more fun life is if you don’t deny yourself to be YOU. I think your the bomb, and we’re all in this together. And together we will make it. We will find our happy place
Hear, you sister! The first paragraph – wowza!! You’ve nailed it, girl! Also I was diagnosed as a non-purging bulimic firstly as I asked for help only when I lost control on my enormous binges. No one took in consideration that I was starving for a week to make those up. And this lasted for ten years. I started purging only out of despair about gaining weigh and this lasted just for a couple of years. So anyway, hell with those labels.
As you’ve said the action is what matters.
And your last paragraph made me smile to my ears, sometimes I want to show these comments to my super skinny therapist – in her face! Cause here is the place where changes happen 😉
I think it’s partly at least because the ED is much deeper than just a food/appearance thing – and it had a very real function in your life that at some point, not only helped you cope, but may even have helped you survive. Unless you have developed some different, strong and dependable and NOT life-threatening way of coping, giving up the ED is only taking away. It leaves you open and vulnerable to attack by the real problems it was helping you survive, or attack by just life itself – and life can be plenty harsh.
On top of that, if you have not dealt with the core problems, not only do you need those coping mechanisms and it’s hard to find something to substitute (because nothing else worked in the first place otherwise you wouldnt have had the ed in the first place) It’s very difficult, maybe impossible, to CARE for yourself when you are still tightly tangled in the self-hatred that you carry around. It takes accepting yourself to even allow yourself to live. Otherwise, part of you will subconsciously if not consciously trying to stomp yourself out or sabotage your wellbeing. It also takes accepting reasonable limits and expectations for yourself. If you are constantly striving for perfection when perfection doesn’t exist, then you will never get anywhere. Part of accepting ourselves is just BEING. Being as we are, now, not as we hope to be or must be or should be. RIGHT NOW. We only ever have right now.
It takes honesty with yourself about how things really are and the real nature of your problems to even begin – and I’m glad you have been honest about what’s happening – that takes courage.
Lastly it’s about balance. It’s not just about what weight you are, what you eat, what you do re exercise/purging etc. It is about your entire life. And I think you are making leaps and bounds there – being able to DO things. It means not being limited by the food you ‘must’ eat, or the weight you ‘must’ be, the clothes you ‘must’ wear or can’t, etc. It means being able to do all things you wish within reason, it means being able to study and work and play.
Don’t let a setback get you down. As long as you keep moving in the right direction, you will get there in the end. Keep on keeping on my special friend, hope this helps a little xxx
My little, Fi. Yup, you are right. In everything! The problem for many – ok, for me – is that I’m so used to (and comfortable with) self-hatred that I’m afraid to take action that might actually make me feel better. That is INSANITY! The disease of addiction, body-hatred, self-hatred–whatever disease – is sneaky and wants nothing more for me than to be miserable.
And yes – everything in recovery is truly about ACTING ones way into right thinking. Everything.
Thank you for your kind comment, girl. It does help. I’m so happy to have you all here.
I hear you. Especially about being comfortable too much with the self hatred. I am too, to a degree where doing anything GOOD for myself feels WRONG. And feeling bad and being awful to myself feels ‘right’. which is so screwed up! But we have to reverse that, relearn ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.
I see you have trouble a lot with wanting perfection. That makes me sad. You ARE perfect – because you aren’t perfect. Perfection isn’t real. It’s not possible either. Which just means you go round and round like someone chasing after the end of the rainbow – you never get any closer, and you miss out on what’s important in life because of that.
The thing I hate most about ED is it means we only live a fraction of life. We miss out on so much. That’s why I think recovery goes far past food and weight but to every part of life.
Love you xoxoxo
Good god, how screwed our minds are, Fi?? I’m so tired of tying to fix it, as I’ve always though that recovery is supposed to be about balance, finding the grey (and accepting it), no black and white thinking. Easier said than done. “Perfect” doesn’t really fit into the category of moderation, I guess. So why bother… 😉
Gosh …don`t know what to start with….I have never had ED so probably I will never be able to feel what you feel and to think what you think, but as a woman I always wanted to be slim and diets/ healthy living is a huge part of my life. I`ll start from this- I met my husband 17 years ago and since then never let him go. He was my biggest inspiration. He was my biggest teacher of how to eat healthy, exercise and stay fit. He used to be bodybuilder. He knew everything about diets, food, calories and etc. Sadly but he stopped going to the gym and eating healthy. And I did the same. Why? Lack of time…lack of money…children..I`ve got too many excuses to name…So result is- I need loose 15-20kg if I want to get back my good mood and nice body, he needs to loose some weight and tone his body so he could feel good. So I`ve got some issues with a food too. I do love to overeat….a lot. I eat that much until my tummy bursts like a balloon and is ready to pop….Im on diet from 10th january. And I really struggle on some days. It does effect my mood. I am grumpy…and I shout a lot. A lot. Then I go and have something to eat….and then i say sorry for shouting. Im sure your case is much worse…but I do believe at the end of a day you will recover. Im sure. Thank you for being honest x
Oh, my petite lithuanian girl. You are so unfair to yourself! You are very pretty. And if you think you need to lose weight (cause I kinda doubt it) please do it carefully and with love. Enjoy the process and the progress.
The binging thing – haha! I’ve been there and done that for millions of times. Eating so much I needed to kneel. And all of it because I probably restricted too much. So again – take it slow, enjoy and I’m here anytime you need to yell at someone or to binge – I get it so well!
Thank you for your honesty and your story. I hope it turns out very well for you and your husband and family. Your girls are so lucky to have a gorgeous mom, and they also need you healthy and sensible. 😉
Wow I hear you sister!…..”The complexities, and subsequent mind-fucks (pardon my French), of EDs are baffling.” That says what I experience most all the time. And much of what else you wrote too.
I’ve not had the anorexic tendencies…But a few months ago I found myself missing meals, not choosing to. I had gotten to a new phase of only enacting bulimia once a week and feeling so much relief from not always thinking about food and bingeing/purging. I was getting more interested in life activities. All so good. But then I was getting depressed. Not just the downs and ups but constant depression and negativity. I look back and could see that I had really been missing a lot of meals, forgetting to eat. I had interpreted that as being free of my usual obsession with food so it must be good. But it adds up…or it added down as I got more depleted and lost some weight. Caught it in time though.
I’ve been at enough AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings, listening to sober people and sharing my story too…..different addiction but common features. I’ve heard so so so many people talk about how stopping active addiction is just the first step. So I’m not at all surprised that I’m all tangled up in my brain still. I’m clear that addictive tendencies and the mind tangles will be here a long time, but instead of trying to erradicate all of that, I’m focusing on enlarging new good healthy stuff. As my friend once told me “if you are saying NO to something, what are you saying YES to?”. And keep focusing on that…grow the good to crowd out the illness, and don’t get too lost in the details.
I’m pretty weary of the root causes of the illness of bulimia….and trying to ferret them out. And when I read your line “…professionals have told me that as long as I was active in the addiction, it takes the same amount of time to recover.” I HATE that! if it’s true then this will be the rest of my life…..recovering. Bleck! On the other hand….maybe not so bad. Because even with my teensie few weeks of not actively bulimic, the difficulties I’m facing are better than being stuck in the eating disorder.
You sharing here – these aspects of how your life is lately…it is a very healthy thing to do. And I’m sure it helps others.
I think that people who do not have eating disorders still have to grapple with some of the same life questions and struggles.
Thanks for opening up, I hope you know how helpful that is to others. It’s in this kind of sharing together that we progress or at least find solace in connecting.
Ugh, Gel, I’m so glad I’m not alone on all of this. So often, in early recovery and even now I was questioning myself whether it is really working because I did not feel it already. And those professionals – good, God! According to them I have 13 years to go! But anyway, as you say – this means better than the way it was. This means progress. And acknowledging my step back today is a progress as well, I guess. Cause of one thing I’m sure – I don’t want to start it all over again.
Thank you for always being here and sharing yourself with me. This means the world!
In a way, I understand where you’re coming from. I consider myself recovered. That doesn’t mean I want to allow myself to be a huge fat blimp. (I mean real, actual “overweight” here, not “what I think is overweight” or “what that guy or that girl thinks is overweight”, I mean what health professionals and scientific research have deemed to be “overweight”.) So I maintain a healthy lifestyle, I stay very active, I balance my meals as best as I can, and I never over or under eat. I do not count calories. I don’t even THINK about them anymore. It’s magical! I know fast food is garbage, so I don’t eat it. I never buy candy bars from the checkout line anymore, nor do I ever purchase sweets from the bake case at my work that stare at me in the face every day, but I am more than happy to indulge in a cupcake (or two…or three) that I make for friend’s birthdays and special occasions and no longer shun offers for sweets at friend’s houses. If there are treats available to everyone at my job in the break room, I will gladly accept as long as the mood strikes me to partake. Sometimes…it doesn’t. But it’s weird….it no longer tortures me. That’s how I know there’s a difference. When I was disordered and “decided” that I “didn’t want” those treats, in reality it was the ONLY THING I could think about ALL DAY and I actually wanted it SO BADLY but “wasn’t allowed”. Now that I can eat whatever I want, I really have to think “DO I want that?” Usually, it is a yes. ^_^ Occasionally, a no. And then I don’t think about it for the rest of the day.
Such a huge difference.
But I don’t think that wanting to maintain a healthy lifestyle is disordered in any way. That’s the magic word though, “maintain”. You’re not trying to lose weight. Or gain weight. You’re simply maintaining. Perhaps those thoughts creep back to you because you suffered your ED much longer than I did (mine was restriction for about 2 years and bulimia at the end of that for a VERY short period of time) but I certainly did have those thoughts at multiple points in my process. But EVERY GIRL thinks “I really should eat better,” or “I really ought to exercise more,” or “Does this dress make me look fat?”, not because there’s anything wrong with us, but because we want to be healthy, happy, and look pretty. A number on a scale does not guarantee ANY of those things. And the fact that you recognize that means you’re doing fine.
I’m so thankful for sharing this, sweetie! It seems that you are living the dream. And I’m jealous.
Yes you are right, despite anything I will not ever “allow myself to be a huge fat blimp” too. I just don’t see it ever happening. So does it mean I will never recover? This is what’s bothering me. As I’ve stated many times, recovery for me means cleanness – of body and mind. It does mean no binging or purging, but it doesn’t mean not indulging into some chocolate from time to time – just as you’ve stated. Being aware. And I though I managed that perfectly until I began slipping the opposite direction and losing weight, which I don’t desire. Moreover I did it unintentionally. Now, as I write it, I think it’s common to normal people…
So thank you so much of making me reconsider everything that’s going on in my head.
And I wish you all the best. Carry on with your beautiful life!
Greta,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I’ve never suffered with an ED, so I have no “pearls of wisdom” to send your way, however as a 51 year old woman who in her mid-twenties lost 30 lbs. through diet and exercise (I did the whole calories in vs. calories out thing, writing everything down and working out every day) I am still very conscious of my weight and watching my diet and exercising and so what I can relate to is that these thoughts are a part of my daily life too – tucked away in the back of my brain – but there. In fact, when you said that you have “unconsciously” lost weight, there was a tiny, tiny part of me that was envious. I know how awful that sounds, so please forgive me.
I think that as women we’ve been inundated with “perfect” images of overly skinny models, actresses, youth, etc. and it can be hard to not take that on somehow. Personally, I am trying very hard to be more mature and accept that I am in fact, 51 and I shouldn’t expect myself to measure up to a 20-something model. It isn’t easy. No matter how many times I hear “you look fantastic (for your age)” it still makes me think, “yeah, but…”.
You are a very beautiful woman, inside and out and your sharing of these very difficult thoughts and behaviours is courageous. Having these conversations, for all of us, provides a forum to recognize that we’re none of us alone and that there are many paths to the other side of this.
All of my best wishes to you,
Elaine
Aww, Elaine, your comment speaks to my heart. Given our culture, I don’t know that body image ever fully dissipates. The notion that in order to be successful and beautiful you must be skinny penetrates every media outlet. So, everywhere you go, watch, and read the message is clear. So I guess (and your comment is a perfect evidence) plenty of women without EDs have moments of “feeling fat” or thinking their quality of life would improve if their pants were just a bit looser. Rationally I know that this is not true, but my mind (and I get that yours too) is not always rational. So, even after years in recovery I have those everyday flashes of negative body images. This is truly disturbing and worries me. But the only thing we can do here is to choose how to respond to it. I love your response. I want to learn that too.
Thank you so much again.
OH goodness. First? Thank you for your honesty. Second? I understand ENTIRELY.
The “unconscious” restriction.
I swear…I cannot restrict. At all. It is always something more like a “click” I get and food falls flat and I (we) get sucked under.
Food addiction is cunning, baffling and insidious.
What you wrote, the common denominator is food.
There is a common OA and FAA saying of: being IN “the food” and that just resonates to me more than anything.
Our behaviors can only tell so much of our recovery. Our minds and thoughts are where it’s really at.
What would true freedom from food addiction be like? Would that not be wonderful?
I believe it is attainable. Yes, we will always be “us” but there is abstinence. The release of….the mutual exchange of our relationship with food (indulgence in, lack thereof, exercise..etc. ).
I believe the answer starts with the decision to admit we are powerless…and gosh I have admitted that a million times over and then I get to the level where I realize I don’t believe it.
I just…it feels so wrong. We are powerless?
But how is that working out for me?
For us?
Can we really work on this?
Gosh girl I am in the same boat (except mine is steered toward the excess right now)…
Working on it. Stength in numbers.
Oh, my gorgeous, Missy… Thank you for writing all of it.
It does feel wrong. And I do feel powerless.
And I believe that many can fully recover. I just don’t how realistic it is to claim that I can. I’m just scared that that I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. I guess it doesn’t mean that I’m imprisoned by an eating disorder and am actively using symptoms – as you’ve said – it just happens .It simply means there is some level of daily maintenance to sustain long-term recovery. Even if one can’t be “fully recovered” and are in recovery, is that really such a bad thing???
The promises of OA are what I kind-of base my ideals of a recovered life on….
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down or up the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things (body image preoccupation, food) and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT, Greta…the hidden promises.
“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even food. For by this time sanity will have returned.
We will seldom be interested in food, abusing it.” <——-!!!
"If tempted to use Food, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.
We react sanely (!) and normally (!) and we will find that this has happened
automatically. "<—————!!!!!!
"We will see that our new attitude toward food has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes!
That is the miracle of it.
We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."
No, Greta, it is possible to reach a place of peace wherein we are not "in recovery" our entire lives; but that might look differently for different people depending on how or disease was.
I don't think it requires a lifelong white-knuckled grip on a meal plan— it will always require maintenance….everything in Life does.
But I think you need to remember that maintenance does not mean obsession and hard work …. it could be like a natural instinct.
I’ve copied and printed that down.
Cried a little while reading it the first night. And last one two.
I’d like to give you something in return, but for now Thank You.
I had a really bad day today and I found myself stuffing my face with anything I could get my hands on. Not because I was hungry, because I wasn’t, but because I wanted to feel something other than the pain I was/am feeling. And I didn’t even like the way the food tasted. To me, it didn’t taste like anything. I got no joy from anything that I ate. Yet I continued to put things in my mouth and now I feel full and disgusted with myself and I’m not feeling any better now than I was earlier today. And I wish I could get rid of it, throw it up so that I could empty myself.
My beautiful, I wish i could be there with you at this moment. Now. Just talk about the shit that made you eat at the first place. I hear you on the pain. When I have been so tired of despair and crying – I’ve always looked for the alternatives to ease that pain – and food is the easiest way. It’s just right there. Within the reach of a hand. However stuffing yourself only makes things worse… Sweetie, please breath. Breath and know that you are unique, the only – there’s no one like you out there. You are perfect just the way you are. You don’t need any additions or a person to complete you. Forgive yourself for that food. And smile. Please, just a little.
I’m sorry have to run to work, otherwise you would be listening to my babbles all.
day.
Please write me a short note, so I could read it in the afternoon and know that you are all right.
I’ll be thinking of you, hun.
I will go to the gym tomorrow rather than stay at home and find reasons to eat badly again. Life is simply choosing to be difficult for me, and it has been for over a year now. I am struggling to feel some sense of being “okay” with myself and the fact that my life is not going the way I thought it would. But I know that binging like I did today is not the answer. I know this because I feel sick right now and eating didn’t feel good while I was doing it.
I wish more than anything I could just be okay with myself. But I don’t know how to do that.
Thank you…*hugs*…
I wish I could do more for you too…
Now hold on, hun. To whatever that makes you smile, just a little.
xoxo
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I can’t say I relate at all to this but just want you to know that I am thinking of you and wishing you many happy and healthy days ahead!! It will get better…keep pressing forward. Happy Monday to you!!
Thank you, Chelsea. It really means a lot.
Oh Greta, you are such a brave, courageous, honest, and open person. I hope writing this blog brings you some comfort and allows you to unload all the emotions and thoughts that wreak havoc on your mind. And I know that you’re helping so many people out there who are going through the same thing. People who are wondering whether what they’re going through is normal. I’m sending you only positive, supportive thoughts!
Thank you, my amazing big-bag lover, Nancy. From the bottom of my heart.
I admire you so much for sharing the details of your ED and being so open. Although I’ve never had one, I fully believe I suffer from disordered eating, further complicated by the fact that I’ve lost 50 pounds over the past year-and-a-half. I struggle with food daily and think about everything I put in my mouth in a completely negative way. No one really knows this because I keep it so private. I’ve only broke down about it once to my husband, and we haven’t discussed it again. I know he worries about me and he doesn’t want me to lose anymore weight and he just wants me to eat a hamburger, but he doesn’t understand how hard it is. Sometimes I feel like I wish I’d never lost the weight (I did it in a healthy way through cleaner eating and exercise and I really did need to lose it because I was overweight), but now that it’s gone and I’m almost at a normal weight for my height, I just want to lose more and I think it’s a little dangerous for me.
I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent, but I really do think you’re a strong person even though you’ve said before that you don’t feel that way. I wish I could talk about my feelings more openly when it comes to things like this like you do. I appreciate that you are so aware of your disorder, especially since many would rather be blind to it (at least that’s been my experience). I’m glad to read that you’re feeling fine and hope that you’re having a wonderful week so far. =)
Oh, sweetie, thank you for this comment, for encouraging and most of all – for sharing.
I admire your weight loss! It’s freakin unbelievable. And I understand where does your stress comes out. Throughout my ED career, whether it be in the pitfalls of relapse or the upward crawl towards recovery, I’ve consistently (and constantly) planned the Perfect Food Plan. Daily, I envision that if only I eat this or that and stick to my plan, I’ll feel so much better about myself. Logically, perfectionistic logic that is, it makes sense… follow your plan to the letter and you’ll feel better–poetic, yes, realistic… not exactly… at least not for me.
I think life and nutrition is supposed to be about balance, finding the grey (and accepting it), no black and white thinking. Easier said than done. “Perfect” doesn’t really fit into the category of moderation.
So perhaps you are being too restrictive in your food plan… Perhaps you need to give yourself a break or think about what makes you so afraid to follow the food plan you devise? I’m just guessing here that it might be an issue. Because I get that the easiest answer is always CONTROL. But what is behind the it???
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Wow, what a amazing discussion you have created, I don’t think I have anything I could add. I agree with the idea of ‘striving for perfection’, difficult when we don’t live in a perfect world, it doesn’t exist here! I also can really identify with the self loathing that I find so common in ED’s, I find when I’m doing ‘well’ in my recovery, I get so much, ‘negative, hatred in my head’. I finally after many YEARS, have found a therapist I really trust so finally i’m working on ‘where all this self hate’ comes from. In my humble experience, however the ED presents is not really that important, to me it’s about why it’s ‘needed’ to come at all? I always find reasons, they may have differences, in the end there appears to be pain, loss, something missing,[including a sense of self] Thanks for starting a really helpful discussion. nice to read your blog..lol please take care of YOU!!!!
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I am not real wonderful with English but I line up this really easygoing to translate.