Ok, I confess my last post was written out of despair.
I’ve gained weight and that shows. It’s not that “fake” water thing or muscle. It’s Weight. To be exact – it’s FAT.
A couple of days ago, my bf actually said Yes! to my complaining – which I do almost daily of how bad I look and how huge I am – to my bigger thighs – They are fuller. And I love it!
Hello, Man! I don’t care you love it – I’m fat!
This notion made me do the thing I was avoiding for long time. I weighted myself.
This was one fucking brilliant idea forever and ever! This made my ed pirouette. How good for it – how not amazing for me!
I’ve read many other bloggers’ posts about dealing with weight gain and my comments to them have always been something like, “Do not worry about the number on the scale! You know that your body needs the extra food, and your weight will just balance itself out as long as you eat relatively healthy when you are hungry. Don’t compare yourself now to anyone. I know that it’s hard, but you can’t give in to restriction. That will just undermine all of the progress you have made thus far.” Blah blah blah!
So I just read what I typed, applying it to myself. Wow. How can the same person that says and knows these things so well have such a hard time following her own advice?
All in all, though, I am doing SO well. Yes, I have gained weight. Yes, I weigh more than I EVER have in recovery. And it’s uncomfortable; it is hard. It’s hard because I don’t know whether this is the weight I’m supposed to be or if it is too much or still too little. My BMI is around 19, maybe a little less. I know that BMI is just a dumb number as well! It’s just that I don’t know when the weight gain should stop.
OK, weight gain is not the end of the world. Actually, you, guys remind me of all the progress I have made and tell me how proud you are of me every day.
It really hits home that I have made so much progress.. Yes, my road to recovery hasn’t always been smooth, but hey I am working so hard. I already eat some of my fear foods (hello fruit, potatoes) *most of them*. I go out to eat without freaking out. I overeat sometimes, too often in my opinion, but I’m still learning. The best thing about recovery is the lack of obsession with food. I used to freak out about what I would eat 24/7!, what I would order at the restaurant, how many freaking pickles I consumed, etc..
Now I live my life without worrying about these things. Food isn’t the most fearful thing. Yes, I love learning about food and nutrition, I’m still a little scared but food isn’t the enemy. It’s fuel.
So finally to get back to the point of this post, the most difficult thing I’m dealing with at the moment is self-image. I feel like 1XX looks so much bigger than 115. My bf thinks I’m ridiculous. What is 1, 2, 5 pounds? he asks.
It’s not necessarily the number. I can tell that my body is changing.
I don’t have the abs I used to. There is now a little bit of flab there. I have extra skin between my thighs, and my calves don’t seem as trim as before. I also have this paranoia feeling like everyone’s looking at me and thinking, “Wow, she’s been getting a little too friendly with that Brie cheese lately, huh?”
I’m praying that I come to terms with my body and find my ‘normal/ideal’ weight without too much fear and obsession over the number on the scale or the image in the mirror.
But you have no idea how tempted I am to diet or restrict at the moment. Just a little, just for that shape sake.
Gosh, my brain hurts!
Sorry for the rant.
Have a wonderful weekend!
xoxo
PS I saw this in our local wine-bar lately. 
So good! Haha! Any wine lovers here?
Coffee Addict 
Oh Greta, you have made such great progress! What you tell others when they are having a hard time with weight gain and applying it to yourself. It is HARD. And it is so hard to be able to encourage others and then struggle with applying it to ourselves. But it is amazing the progress you have made and are making!
I appreciate how real and honest you are in acknowledging what you are struggling with. And that you can see your progress at the same time. I wish I could take away the difficulties of self image you are facing.
From outside, from my perspective , you are beautiful and in the recent photos you have posted you look trim and vibrant. But I know it doesn’t help to hear that when you don’t FEEL it in yourself right?
I have gained a few pounds lately. I like it but I can also relate to the feeling of anxiety of not knowing if the gain will stop or level out or how to tell how much is ‘healthy’ gain etc…I’m just trying to go more by how I feel, like my energy level.
I’m so happy for you that food is not your enemy and that you are able to enjoy more foods and eating at restaurants. Yeah for not worrying over food nor being fearful about it.
Love,
Gel xxx
Thank you, my sweetest, Gel!
On one hand I’m so happy and pleased with my progress! I love my new You. But on the other hand things as such make me cry… and unhappy …and unworthy …and unwell 😦
It’s so inspiring that you take your weight gain as a blessing! But as you said – your ed was never about the thinness – oh, I wish mine wasn’t too. Now I just have to deal with those overwhelming feelings and move one.
Promise to try my best 😉
While I don’t have much worry about weight I am now inundated with a lot of chaotic emotions, depression and irritability. The whole eating disorder cover up of the inner emotions is going away and I hate having to constantly be dealing with moods and feelings I don’t understand, or struggle as to how to express in a healthy way. I just really hate it. I didn’t want to say much about weight because – no – it isn’t an issue right now and I didn’t want to sound haughty about that. But really I just have a different obsession now with less eating disorder taking my time and having to face my bad moods. I think that is the part of my eating disorder that is in common with others. I’m struggling right now with how to be a good house mate for my husband while I’m almost always in some crappy mood. Fortunately I have a patient husband, and a good therapist now. And I have some ‘tools’. Love to you.
Thank you, Gel. Also my moody self is out there as well. 😦 It does make me feel sorry for my bf – gosh, he’s dealing with those emotional swings too – not only me. I was once really thinking of separating with him for a while – I needed my time for recovery. But that way I could of lost him and maybe myself too. He makes me sane and faithful.
Moreover I’m happy to hear your husband is so patient and you found the therapist you like. 😉
I’m not one for emotions, but this post almost made me cry.
I could have written it.
I’ll extend one blog hug this year, and it hereby goes to you.
x x x
This is so unexpected and so nice of you!
Gosh, I cried because of that shit! Like A Lot!
You made me smile!
Come on, lets do it, at least for the show off
The “show off” does not sound funny, though I meant so. Sorry. I’d truly hug you for real! And Gwendolyn! 😉
And we would hug you for real, too!
Thank you again for this post.
Makes me feel really connected.
Heya, delurking =D
The wine thing is awesome =D
Can relate to the weight gain all too well! I’ve recently managed to get to a healthy BMI after suffering from anorexia.
With other people I’m encouraging, and then when it comes to me it’s like, ‘argh! Noooo! Terrible, terrible weight gain.’ For some reason different rules apply to me you see! I believe I should be at a ridiculously low BMI… Silly ED! Also having the BF problem, he tells me I’m ‘prettier’ now I’ve ‘filled out!’ I get so many compliments now, not always what you want to hear! I keep going, ‘argh! I’m not thin anymore, I’ve let myself go!’ I think that’s more disorder talking.
From pictures of you I think you look beautiful at all weights you’ve been at, I think we are our harshest critics. Also you are seeing the benefits of having the extra weight (no constant food thoughts/ fears) it is a relief. Being underweight does affect the mind…
Hope you’re having a good weekend =)
x
Hihihi, Aggy!
You have no idea how long I’ve been reading your blog!!! Like for loooooong 😀
So I know your story and I appreciate that you relate to mine.
It’ so frustrating getting bigger while not being actually small, so I can’t even imagine how anorexics recover and deal with the weight gain. You are very brave and honest to actually share your story. I leaned from you a lot!
Thank you for stopping by with such a wonderful encouraging comment.
Have a nice weekend too 😉
Eek! You’ve been reading my blog. I’m honoured! Been reading yours for aaages! I’ve always loved your style (and I am a coffee addict too =D haha!)
x
Big hugs to you Greta. Days like this call for hugs. They are no good, very bad, terrible, horrible days! (stole that from my favorite children’s book!) and it can seem like enduring the process of sitting with such uncomfortable emotions is the hardest thing you have ever done. That may well be true, actually. What you are doing–trying to apply your own advice to yourself, reminding yourself that life without pickle-counting is much better, that fruit is delicious and nourishing–is RIGHT ON. Every time you combat a crappy thought about numbers or bad body image, you are fighting and winning.
It is painful to let go, and let your body be where it is. After so long trying to control and manipulate, feeling so conquered by our own flesh feels like sour defeat. But you, and your body, are gorgeous and bring such happiness into the world. At an size. And, no. Nobody is thinking you should lay off the Brie. I promise.
Your comment speaks to my heart, Jeni. It’s just what I needed to hear – that I’m ok. I am a lot more serene and content than I ever expected to be possible. I’m closer to being me. Being normal. And that’s nothing wrong with being such.
Thanks! Love you!
And I needed this one as well
Oh Greta, you are so so so precious! I read this and my heart sank for you. Not because of the weight gain – because you needed that. But because of how you feel about it – and I can only hope and pray that in time you will be okay with it. Because you ARE beautiful and there is no way anyone can SEE you have gained weight – you are that slim. Think of your body like a sponge – when you have deprived it of nutrients, it’s all wrung out – dry. So when it starts being fed again, it takes quite a while for that sponge to get all soaked – but it doesn’t get any bigger than when it was dry, does it? It sounds to me like you have eaten a bit better over time in terms of nutrients and your body has simply soaked up more nutrients – sending them to vital places like your organs – where it’s helping keep you vital and healthy but not making you actually bigger visibly (except to yourself – but keep in mind, what you see is a distorted perception and is also biased by the ‘The number is higher therefore I am bigger’ thoughts). Also think of your bones!!! They might be getting a bit stronger – more dense and therefore heavier. And your brain – haha, your brain could be getting denser meaning you are less dense – smarter! haha 😉
Your boyfriend loves you, for you, and I know you know that. It can be hard to remember when we are fretting.
I’m so so so so proud of you because this represents a huge shift in your thinking and your insight and your commitment to recovery. To your health. To being alive with your boyfriend long into the future.
Your life is much much better now than it was, and remember, you will never be in the place you were in again – where the ED was that necessary to even cope. It has served it’s purpose and like anything that once had it’s place, it is hard to give up, you do need to grieve it a bit, but also celebrate because life’s just going to get better and better for you from here on in. Sending so much love and hugs and confidence and belief to you – because you are that wonderful and I’ll always be grateful for having met you xoxoxoxoxox
Thank you, my lovely supporter. You comment so wisely and beautifully – it always makes me cry and unworthy of being so much helped and cared about. I truly get those things – I KNOW I AM OK, all those things are OK, but it’s extremely difficult to deal with all of it. It’s frustrating, tiring and NO fun! Gosh, bulimia was no fun, being underweight was no fun; gaining weight is no fun – when it will be fun? I just want my ed to be over. And recovery “surprises” as the weight gain are worsening. Sorry to whine at your striking comment. I’ll be reading it for many many times as the things you’ve written are so true, real and important .Thank you! I love you!
xoxo
when is it going to be any fun!!!!!!???? I so agree with you – it’s never any fun. ED is hell on earth 😦 and if everything being perfectly okay was enough to exorcise it forever – wouldn’t that be lovely? Dear sweet Greta – you are SO WORTHY of being helped, of being loved, of being cared about – so SO worthy. Look how much you reach out to others? Look how sweet and kind you have been to me. Look at the kindness and patience you have shown towards a certain other blogger despite her nastiness towards you and your friends. And so much more. Please never feel you can’t say how you feel, at least with me. I’m GLAD you have a place to be honest – and you have never, ever whined that I can think of – so go for it. Better to have somewhere to get out those feelings than for them to need to be purged in the end – the scary, dangerous way. Hang in there, you have come a long way. I know how it’s hard to gain weight- I’m like Kath, I’ve gained a lot of weight too. Two years ago (approx) I gained over 15 kilos – so that’s more than 33 pounds. And I’ve kept that on now for two years – the longest time I’ve kept any weight on and the highest I’ve weighed in over a decade! it’s really really really REALLY difficult and not a day goes by still that I don’t wish I could get rid of it, literally grab all those kilos and throw them off my body if I could – the urge to just lose it all the way I used to is so high – but I resist, because I know that’s surely death for me. And much of the time I would rather die than live in this body – but I remember what I’m living FOR and that these are just feelings – feelings are not always truth. Truth is I’m still underweight. Truth is you are still very thin, despite how you feel. Hang in there. I love you too – you are that special!! xoxoxoxox
You’d befriend with my bf, Fi! You sound alike. Not on the ed area, cause he’s clueless there, but on complimenting me being the kindest and still slim. I wish to believe you two…
As I wish you believed you are an incredible person too. The unique one. And you are my friend. Hell, I’m so lucky to have you. 😉
I hope some day you do believe us, because we agree simply because what we believe is the truth 🙂 ❤
Holy whatoosie this is brilliance, Fi !
“Think of your body like a sponge – when you have deprived it of nutrients, it’s all wrung out – dry. So when it starts being fed again, it takes quite a while for that sponge to get all soaked – but it doesn’t get any bigger than when it was dry, does it?”
It really, really helped me!! Because we do tend to freak out when going through the refeeding process.. and we don’t see ourselves the way others do. We don’t seem to realise how parched of nutrition we have become and that it takes FAR more than the little bit we think it takes to replace that. You can’t undo years of deprivaton and malnourishment in even just a few months, no matter what we may believe or feel – and our FEELINGS are not always the TRUTH – remember that.
Wise mind is a good strategy to try and use here too. I FEEL like I’m blowing up with the weight I’ve gained. Emotionally, I feel that. Rationally, I know that isn’t true. People have told me it isn’t, and yet…. okay. You need to combine the two – and that’s wise mind. Wise mind says, your body needs those nutrients and is soaking them up like a dry sponge, they are not making you huge! Sorry for going on and on lol 🙂
Yeah, Fi is good! She’s like my recovery guru!
Greta don’t let numbers define your existence because you are so much more than a number and here’s a thought……what if you were terribly overweight would that make you less of a person, less lovable, less important, less wonderful, less insightful…so let go of the numbers (I know this is easier said than done and I am not meaning in any way to negate your struggles, quite the opposite, I sooo admire this) but you are really so much more important, you are a whole wonderful being and even if you actually had a weight problem none of this would change. You are quite clearly gorgeous so don’t worry.
Thank you, sweetie. Your comment has touched my heart. The problem is that I know the things you’ve written, but it’s so difficult to apply those in real life. I was initially ok with gaining weight and then some… but it just doesn’t stop and I’m worried… 😦
The sign post never goes where it points to.
Seriously, I can *so* much relate to how you feel!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have gained 30 pounds over the years (I started at a 13 something BMI) during recovery, and although I know some of them were very much needed, I still think the remaining ones are rather unnecessary and I’d look better without them. I’m now at a weight I though I could never tolerate before, but I’ve been tolerating it for more than a year now. I am in this schizophrenic state that I rationally understand that I’m skinny but I feel fat. Probably I’m skinny-fat because I’m not overly toned, but I lack time and motivation to exercise more. I’m probably skinny-fat. I actually feel much better than I did when I was at a lower weight, and this is what makes me keep it up. I’m also not hungry all the times anymore and I don’t obsess about food anymore. Calling these realizations back into my mind every day helps me to keep myself committed. But the thought that I’d like to lose some weight if it was easier and more feasible and didn’t come with such aversive consequuences is always there in a back corner of my mind.
Gosh, Kath, let’s hug!
You’re my soul and body sister (now that I know we are the same height) I understand that I’m not fat. That it’s ok to be the weight I’m now, but when will it stop??? I really wish it to stop, though I can’t restrict as it’ll lead me back to my ed thinking.
I have no idea how’d you dealt with getting bigger? Did you buy new clothes? The idea of doing something like that makes me extremely sad. Sorry to whine. I love your comment. And I’m so happy I’m not alone dealing with this.
xoxo
Yes I had to buy some new clothes. I tend to put on weight on my tummy first and then overall, so I had to buy new trousers and also some new tops. Some clothes still fit me because they were very losely fitting back then, but the things from the time I was very thin I have sorted out almost completely. *sniff*
I’m jealous that you are so calm about this.
I’ll try to remain as content as you are. But I can’t promise. 😉
I could so relate to your feelings. It’s hard to live by one’s words, isn’t it? But you’re being so honest to yourself, which is a big step in admitting and loving yourself. It does take somee time to adjust to your new body, but honest, you do look so much more beautiful and healthier with some ‘meat’ on you. 😛 You also seem to look happier as well. So just be patient and keep up the spirit. 🙂
Thank you, sweetie! Your comment means so much! I try my best, I do. But I fail more often than I’d like to…
One step at the time, as you say… I hope I’ll manage that 😉
We’re here for you babe!
I hadn’t been weighing myself for a long time either, and just the other day I felt like I’d been eating too much “in my opinion” so I weighed myself…and saw that I’d gained about 2kg. That might not seem like much but I totally freaked out! But just like you said, I shouldn’t restrict myself…some days I am okay with my current body but other times I find it hard to be entirely comfortable with the little bit of extra fat. But all these stuff that both you and I worry about should not stand in the way of our happiness! Nothing is more important than our happiness 😀 I guess what I wanted to say is, let us remind ourselves that we are beautiful just the way we are! And we shouldn’t be afraid to say that 🙂
I LOVE your comment, sweetie. Not because you’ve “gained” some weight, but because you reminded me of the most important – happiness! I love the beautiful you. A lot 😉
You wrote this —-> “But you have no idea how tempted I am to diet or restrict at the moment.”
I want you to know, Oh. Yes. Do.
Like 99.9% of the moments in the day – brain on auto pilot, skin you cannot escape. I get it. And we are freaking strong-azz powerful women for putting up with it– for every single moment wrestling it down and it gets right back up and repeat…repeat….exhausting.
But possible.
Necessary.
We need a virtual cocktail hour. (0;
“We need a virtual cocktail hour.”
Gosh, I’m like five using all those smileys all the time. But I’m very grown up for some cocktails. Especially with you.
You know when such tiny girls like you or Fiona, say they struggle with some weigh gain or want to restrict, I do this
The same thing my bf or mom do when I refuse some foods (I don’t feel safe) offered by them.
The ed bitch is devious!
I wish you hadn’t those thoughts. And me. And anyone.
I just wonder for how long I’ll suck accepting this thing…
I think cocktails and wine help with the crazy thoughts a bit…help us relax into the truth.
En Vino Veritas.
“En Vino Veritas.” Amen! 😉
In certain evenings sitting on my porch cuddled in a blanket and having a glass on my own I cheer to you and Fiona and some others and wish to have some extra money to fly you over, just for one evening and an honest talk, or just some silent smiles…